


Is The Magic Number

by turps



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Community: bandomstuffsit, F/M, M/M, Multi, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-08
Packaged: 2017-11-24 04:06:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/630198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turps/pseuds/turps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For years, Pete's kept a secret. A secret that affects the way he views the world, has him running away from relationships, and pushing away people who try to get too close. But now, finally, Pete might have a chance at the kind of happiness that's worth fighting for. If only he can find the courage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is The Magic Number

**Author's Note:**

> Written for akamine_chan.
> 
> Huge thanks go to themoononastick for the excellent beta.
> 
> Warnings for low self-esteem issues and mentions of depression.

If pushed, Pete would admit he tells lies. Not always, not often in fact, but sometimes it’s just easier to tell a mistruth.

A skilled misdirection, clever words and a smile used to distract. Pete’s a master at keeping his secrets.

Especially the one he’s shared only once.

\---o0o—

“I bought you something,” Pete says, both hands clenched as he holds them out toward Alicia, who’s sprawled on the ground in the shade of a bus. “Pick a hand.”

“If it’s a photo of Dirty’s dick again I’m going to be pissed,” Alicia says, but pushes herself up on one elbow, eyes squinted shut as she looks up at Pete. “The left one.”

Pete grins, and blows on his hand as he unclenches his fist, revealing the small silver robot keychain he’s been hiding. “Congratulations, you won. For your prize you get your own robot.”

“Just what I always wanted.” Alicia says dryly and reaches out, taking the keychain. Looping the ring over her index finger she starts the robot swinging. “Have you been taking presents from fans again?”

“A few,” Pete admits, and drops to the ground. Stretching out on the grass, he stares up at the sky, watching the few wispy clouds. “I was hungry, one of them gave me a Snickers.”

“And a robot,” Alicia says, and settles back down, her arm brushing against Pete’s. “That you gave to me.”

“She won’t know.” Plus, it’s not like Pete’s going to tell, especially as that would mean going back out to the fans. “She’ll have our picture on Buzznet by tonight, that’s all she’ll care about.”

“A photo with Pete Wentz, be still my heart,” Alicia says, grinning at Pete. “You could have bought a Snickers, and kept away from the fans.”

“I could,” Pete agrees, and mostly it’s something he does, only going on impromptu meet and greets when the crowds are low and he’s in the mood for small talk and hugs. “But this way I saved some money.”

“Because you’re so broke.” Mouth curled into a smile, Alicia turns her head so she can look directly at Pete. “Does this mean you’re not buying me dinner?”

Pete links his hand with Alicia’s, holding on as he pretends to consider. “I could steal you dinner? Rumor has it a barbecue is going to happen, and I’m expert at swiping sausages from a grill.”

“Make sure you get a bun, too,” Alicia says, and this is why Pete likes her so much. Her easy acceptance and willingness to play along while not taking his shit. It’s why this relationship is working so well, something easy and relaxing, Pete not having to think while they’re out having fun. 

Not that it’s going to last, they never do, but Pete’s not going to think about that now. Instead he jumps to his feet, already restless and pulls at Alicia’s arm, the robot swinging between their joined hands. “Someone’s filled a wading pool, I saw it on the way over.”

Alicia allows herself to be pulled up, and then stands still, perfunctory brushing dried grass off her tank top. “Are you going to strip off and jump in wearing your boxers?”

Pete thinks for all of a second and says, “Probably.”

“Good,” Alicia says and starts walking.

\---o0o--

 

_”Swap you an apple for your cookie,” Sarah says, shining the apple on the front of her sweater as if to tempt Pete. “You like the green ones.”_

_“I like chocolate chip cookies, too,” Pete says, but he’s already pushing his tray across the table, the wrapped cookie to one side of his empty plate. “It better be an apple from home.”_

_Sarah throws the apple and looks scornfully at the cafeteria serving line. “Like I’d pick one from the botulism breeding counter over there.”_

_That’s enough for Pete, though truthfully, he still would have eaten the apple even if it had come from the den of school dinner poisons. Apple caught safely, Pete takes a bite, glad that he’s got Sarah to hang with._

_She’s not his girlfriend, at least, not in the actual sense. But she is a girl and is a friend and Pete’s sure one day she’ll become more._

_Until then, he’s happy with hangs, and having a friend who doesn’t care if his gaze strays to the girls, and sometimes, the boys, who constantly surround them._

 

\---o0o--

“She’s nice,” Pete says, hooking an arm around Mikey and pulling him close, enough that Pete can relax and lean heavily against him. It’s Pete’s personal living support as they sit in the shade of a tent and relax, watching the tour happen around them. “Don’t you think that she’s nice? I’ve seen you looking.”

“She’s nice,” Mikey agrees, and Pete smiles, brittle and fake as Mikey stretches out his legs, his feet crossed at the ankles and adds, “She sent me some links.”

“The piano playing cat?” Pete asks, and this is what he wanted, for Mikey and Alicia to get closer, but now that they are, jealousy is starting to creep in, and all Pete wants to do is scream: stop!

Not that he will. He can’t, because this has to happen. Mikey needs to go to Alicia because he was never intended for Pete. It’s just, Pete isn’t ready, no matter how often he thinks through the ‘what if’s’ and ‘if onlys’ and no matter how hard he’s tried. 

Making out in stifling hot busses, holding hands as Pete clung on, wanting more but afraid to get closer. If Pete was braver. If he was better, he could get what he wants: but he’s not. Getting closer means facing up to his own fears, and Pete can’t. Mikey’s not a situation Pete can pick apart and reform into words. He’s a person who holds his own scars, and the inevitability of Pete adding more isn’t fair.

It’s why Pete turns slightly, rests his head against Mikey’s shoulder and says, “I like her.”

Mikey’s hand is against Pete’s thigh, fingers tapping along to a bassline from a nearby stage. “I like her, too.”

“Good,” Pete says, and squeezes his eyes shut against sunshine that’s suddenly too bright.

\---o0o—

“If you’re staying, help me with this.” Patrick’s sitting at the bus table, hunched over his laptop, his focus tight as he presses a button and says, “There’s something missing and I don’t know what.”

Pete steps forward and sits, fitting himself into the space next to Patrick. Legs pulled up and heels hooked on the edge of the couch, Pete listens as Patrick plays his new song. Right now it’s little more than bare bones, a slow stream of notes that Pete wants to make sharp with his words. 

“There.” Patrick clicks stop then rewind, replaying a moment that sounds okay but not special. “It needs something else, but I don’t know what.”

Pete agrees, there is something missing, the problem is, he doesn’t know what that is either. Pete loves music, he loves to manipulate and form it to his own needs. He knows what he likes and what sells, but that’s different to being a good musician. It’s something Pete’s known for a long time, always aware of his own failings, and he says, “You should have asked Andy or Joe.”

“I asked you.” Patrick clicks play, listening once more before sighing and carefully pushing his laptop to one side. “You’re not hanging with Mikey?”

Pete rummages through the mess on the table, crushing a stale Cheeto with a press of his thumb. “He’s with Gerard. Their freaky co-dependent bond needed recharging.”

"So you decided to strengthen your freaky co-dependent bond with me,” Patrick says, batting at Pete’s hand when he tries to press orange dust against Patrick’s cheek. “What else?”

Pete licks at his thumb, a delaying tactic that lasts all of a second. “Nothing else.”

“Bullshit,” Patrick says, grimacing when Pete sucks the orange mess from off of his thumb. “You’ve spent weeks on their bus. If they wanted alone time you’d have just sat in a corner and watched.”

For a moment Pete considers feigned offense, but when it comes down to it, Patrick’s right, at least mostly. By now the My Chem bus is as familiar as Pete’s own, but that doesn’t mean he’s some kind of creeper. “I wouldn’t sit watching. I’d talk to someone else, or go hang in Mikey’s bunk.”

“Which isn’t creepy at all,” Patrick says, his mouth quirked into a smile. 

Pete considers Mikey’s bunk with its nest of blankets and photos stuck onto the ceiling and wall. It’s one of the places where Pete’s learned to feel safe, but he’s aware that’s mostly due to Mikey himself. It’s easy to hide from your demons when you’re pressed up tight against someone who gets it, a steady presence when you’re too wired to sleep. 

“Maybe a little,” Pete allows, and thinking of Mikey makes him want to get up and go to the My Chem bus, brotherly bonding sessions be damned. “But I wouldn’t be doing anything creepy. It’s not like I’d be jerking off into Mikey’s pillow.”

“I hate you,” Patrick says slowly, each word deliberate as he stares over at Pete. “I’ll never unsee that.”

Pete grins, the ache of missing Mikey replaced with delight at this new possibility for teasing. “I never told you to imagine me jacking off. It’s you and your perverted imagination, but it’s okay, you can tell me if that’s part of your spank bank, I won’t tell anyone.”

“Sure you won’t,” Patrick says. “Until you put it in a song and I spend the next ten years singing about wacking off to my best friend.”

“Wacking off to your best friend wacking off,” Pete corrects, already thinking of lyrics. “The fans will love it, and won’t know they’re singing about you imagining my dick.”

“I’ve spent more than a day with you, I don’t have to imagine it,” Patrick says and leans back, trying to get comfortable in the cramped space. “Which reminds me, close the damn doors, I don’t want to see you taking a piss.”

Pete relaxes and slumps against Patrick. “Got it, piss play no, wacking off yes. I’ll make a note.”

“Fuck your note,” Patrick says, shifting so he can put his arm around Pete. “And tell me why you’re really here.”

“I told you....” Pete starts to say, and yelps when Patrick pinches his side. “Okay, fine. Mikey was with Gerard, but he was going to call Alicia later.”

“Alicia, Alicia? Tech Alicia who you had a thing with before?” Patrick asks, tensing as he turns, trying to look down so he can see Pete’s face. “What the fuck? I thought....”

“She’s nice, they’ll be good for each other,” Pete says, and after week’s worth of practice, each word sounds natural, like Pete isn’t personally invested in the situation at all. “She’s been sending Mikey links. That one with the cat and the piano I forwarded to you? I got it from Mikey and he got it ....”

“I don’t care where he got it,” Patrick says and keeps turning, pushing at Pete’s shoulder until he gives in and sits upright so Patrick can see his face. “I thought... you’re with Mikey. You have been all summer.”

“As friends,” Pete says, and more than anything he wishes he’d hidden out elsewhere. Even one of the baby band vans would have been better than this, when Pete’s facing down the one person who knows him as well as himself. “Gay above the waist, remember?” 

“I remember,” Patrick says, and he’s staring at Pete as if somehow he’s just changed in front of his eyes. “But I thought. This whole summer was you trying something new. You know, you don’t like girls so decided to try with a guy instead, and then ended up falling for Mikey.”

“I like girls fine.” It’s all Pete can think of to say, especially as, to an extent, Patrick is right. It’s just, things aren’t that simple. Pete wishes they were, because it would mean the voices in his head would shut up, and Pete could let himself take that last step. 

“I know that, I just mean.....” Patrick pulls in a long breath and then says, “I just thought you’d been sleeping with Mikey.”

If he was more of an asshole Pete would say that he has been, but Patrick doesn’t deserve Pete playing with meanings, especially since, from the start, Patrick’s tried to understand and kept hold of Pete’s secret. “Sleep yes. Full sex no.”

Patrick waits a long moment and then says, “So you’re still a virgin?”

“Define virgin,” Pete says, unable to let that go, but then adds, “Yeah. Yeah I am.”

\---o0o—

“If you could, would you change who you are?” It’s something Pete’s thought about often, but he still can’t come up with a definitive answer. “I don’t mean how you look, but how you are.”

“I don’t know,” Mikey says. He’s got a paper plate on the table in front of him, the shredded remains of a burger bun soaking up ketchup. “It’s like, if I change who I am will I still be me? And I like me: mostly.”

“Yeah,” Pete says, because that’s the problem he can’t solve. Pete’s fucked in the head, he knows that, but it’s a fucked up that’s as part of him as the color of his eyes or the length of his legs. If that’s taken away, Pete won’t be Pete. He’ll be a better Pete, sure, but is being better worth losing who he is now? “I like you, too.”

Mikey grins, taking the complement without comment and Pete tries to imagine a better Mikey, one without the demons that both pull Pete closer and make him afraid. Without those, maybe Pete could allow himself to get closer, push back his own fears when there’s no chance of destroying Mikey in turn. Except, Pete doesn’t want a Mikey who is better, he likes the Mikey he has now.

“I’m falling for you.” It’s not what Pete planned to say, but he needs Mikey to know that right now this matters, to know that Pete genuinely loves him when this summer is over. “I wish I was better.”

Mikey pushes the paper plate to one side and leans over the table, one elbow barely missing a puddle of sticky spilt soda and eyes hidden by ridiculous oversize sunglasses. He moves his foot, resting it against Pete’s and says simply, “I don’t. You’re perfect.”

And it’s a lie, Pete knows that it is. Pete’s not perfect, he never has been and never will. But, as he stares over the table at Mikey, in this open sided catering tent stuffed full of people, Pete can let himself believe that to Mikey he can be.

It’s why Pete needs to end this, before he’s in so deep he’ll pull them both down, and he says, “How’s Alicia?”

Mikey waits a long moment, just staring at Pete, then simply says, “She’s fine.”

\---o0o—

“Mikey’s sleeping.”

Pete slows and stops, looking from Gerard to the bunk area, and then back. After spending so much time with Mikey, Pete knows Gerard much better than he did at the start of the tour, but he’s still not really a friend. Friendly, sure, but Pete’s not about to add him to speed dial. 

What Pete wants to do is keep going and wake Mikey. He’s done it before, crept into the bunk and woken Mikey up with a yell, or a popsicle applied to his ribs, or on one occasion, just laid down and watched Mikey sleep. But today it feels awkward, like Pete’s taking liberties as Gerard sits watching, mouth curved into a smile as if he’s amused by Pete’s indecision.

“You can go through, I’m not going to go after you with a shotgun,” Gerard says, his grin widening at Pete’s flinch. “But he was tired.”

It’s a comment that makes Pete’s decision. He’s all too aware of the complexities of sleep, how sometimes it remains elusive even when you’re about to drop with exhaustion. It’s why Pete’s spent countless nights wide awake and trapped in his own head, his body heavy and the silence oppressive as he seeks distractions to get through the night. Like Mikey, who even when they’re sleeping apart, tends to text back in seconds. 

About to go back to his own bus, Pete stops when Gerard says, “You can stay if you want.”

“Aren’t you busy?” Not that Pete needs undivided attention when he’s in someone’s space, but he’s not about to stay if Gerard’s trying to draw, or write, or do anything that means Pete needs to sit here in silence. 

“Not really.” Gerard puts a pen on top of a notebook, balancing both on a pile of comic books that looks seconds from slithering down to the floor. “Just passing time, you know.”

Pete does know. Being on tour part insanity and part doing anything to fill in the time. For Pete that means a lot of talking to people, his band or Dirty or sometimes even the fans. Not that Pete does that too often. He likes talking to the people who love him and the music, but that comes along with them pressing too close, and as much as Pete craves touch from his friends, such close contact from strangers leaves him feeling unsettled.

“One of the Avenged techs got into a fight with a merch kid,” Pete says, tour gossip always a good thing to fill in a silence. Pushing a pile of clothes to one side, Pete sits, ignoring the smell of displaced stale sweat. “Apparently hair was pulled and vengeance sworn.”

“You weren’t there?” Gerard asks, and then adds, “Fuck. I didn’t ask if you wanted something to drink. Mom would be pissed,”

While Pete hasn’t met Donna Way, he’s heard plenty of stories from Mikey, all of which suggest that Donna isn’t exactly a paragon of host etiquette. Even so, everyone knows you don’t insult someone’s mom, which is why Pete wants to bite his own tongue when he blurts out, “She’d actually care?”

Gerard considers a moment and then says, “She’d tell you there was soda in the fridge, cookies in the cupboard and if you touched her cigarettes she’d kill you. So I guess, if you’re thirsty there’s soda in the fridge. I think. At least there was. That and some water.”

“It’s okay.” Pete waves away the offer and turns his attention to the stack of DVDs on the shelf under the TV. Since he was last here, it looks like they’ve increased, and Pete squints, trying to read titles. “Highlander box sets. You guys branching out?”

“Some fans gifted them a few states back, we’ve been marathoning on a night,” Gerard says, miming swinging a sword as he adds, “There’s decapitation, and you know, Methos.”

“Decapitation and Methos, always a good time.” Pete settles back, relaxing into the small talk and background quiet of the bus. “And the eternal question about where they keep their swords.”

“I know, right?” Edging out from behind the table, Gerard pushes back the pile of comic books, revealing a remote. Picking it up, he switches on the TV, keeping the sound down low as he brings up the channel for DVDs. “I can put in disc one if you want, start from the beginning,” and then, as if he’s just realized he hasn’t asked Pete if he actually wants to watch. “That is, if you want to watch something now?”

“From here’s fine.” It’s not like Pete’s got the time, or the desire, to watch the series from beginning to end, but some mindless TV is perfect for now, when Pete can take a moment to kick back, without anyone watching or wanting him to give over a part of himself. 

Gerard presses play and puts the remote back on the table, ignoring the start of the show as he opens the fridge and takes out two bottles of water, handing one over to Pete. “If anyone asks, I haven’t touched these.”

Pete grins and unscrews the cap of his water, always happy to indulge in some band thievery, especially when it’s done by somebody else. “Thanks.”

“Welcome.” Gerard unscrews his own bottle and takes a drink before sitting, reclaiming his former place. And for a while there’s comfortable silence, Pete getting caught up in the episode until Gerard cuts through a flashback and suddenly says, “I’m not going to threaten to beat you up.”

“Er, good.” It’s all Pete can think of to say, the thought of Gerard actually wanting to beat him up having never crossed his mind. “Did you want to?”

Gerard thinks a moment and then says, “No, but convention suggests I should threaten you in case you hurt Mikey.”

“You’re giving me the don’t touch my brother speech now?” Pete wants to add that it’s a speech that’s weeks too late and also insulting to Mikey, but keeps quiet when Gerard shakes his head.

“I wouldn’t do that. Mikey’s an adult, he can look after himself,” Gerard says, and then falls silent, looking troubled as if he’s trying to work out what to say next. “I just. Give me a heads up when you end this, because he won’t tell me himself. At least, not soon enough.”

Pete takes note of the wording, when and not if, and more than anything he wants to take offense and walk out. To tell Gerard that he’s wrong, that this thing Pete’s got with Mikey is solid and lasting. But he can’t, all he can do is sit and wonder what he’s projecting that Gerard’s seeing so clearly, and why, if that’s the case, Mikey isn’t seeing the same.

“I know that you like him a lot,” Gerard says and puts down his bottle of water, his attention solely on Pete. “It’s why you’re not getting the speech, even if I would kick your ass.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Pete says, and then pulls in a deep breath, steadying himself before he can make Gerard a promise. “I’ll tell you.”

Gerard reaches out, touching Pete’s arm briefly and says, “Thank you.”

\---o0o--  
“I’m going to miss this.” Outside Pete can hear shouting, someone laughing as they run past the bus. Later he’ll circle the parties, saying goodbye to the people who’ve been part of his life for this summer, but right now, this time is for Mikey.

It’s hot in the bunk and too cramped, the space never intended for two people. But to Pete it’s become home, and he leans over Mikey, fitting together like they’ve done from the start.

“You don’t have to, we could...” Mikey says, and Pete needs to stop this right now.

His palm against Mikey’s cheek, Pete cuts him off with a kiss. Gentle at first, a distraction against words too painful to hear as Pete pulls back long enough to say, “Not now.”

Or not ever, Pete knows that, that this is his own personal goodbye as he kisses again, mouth pressed against Mikey’s as Pete wiggles so he’s got his thigh between Mikey’s legs, his hands on Mikey’s face, keeping him still as Pete deepens the kiss.

And Pete loves this. Mikey submitting completely, trusting as Pete explores with his tongue, running it over the sharp points of Mikey’s teeth and into his mouth. It’s something Pete revels in, drinking in the sounds Mikey makes and how he always holds onto Pete, like in that moment nothing else matters. 

“Mikey.” Pete’s eyes close and he bites back a groan at the drag of skin against skin, Mikey’s t-shirt riding up as he presses against Pete, hips working against him. And this is good too, Pete feeling dizzy, like he’s flying close to the sun, both over-heated and exhilarated at once.

“I wish I could change,” Pete says, grounding himself with his head against Mikey’s and his voice pitched low. “I wish I was better.”

“I don’t.” Mikey moves his legs over Pete’s, trapping him so he’s unable to move, held close and secure as Mikey says, “You’re perfect.”

And this time Pete can say, “No. No I’m not.” Because if he was he’d be braver and take that last step, to give himself over body and soul to one person. But Pete’s not. As much as he likes -- as much as he loves --- Mikey, it’s still not enough. 

\---o0o—

Pete slips away later that night. 

Throat aching and chest tight, he leaves Mikey sleeping, walks to the front of the bus and doesn’t look at Gerard who says nothing. Just stays seated as Pete manages to say, “Tell him I’m sorry.”

“I’ll look after him,” Gerard says, and all Pete can do is nod, not looking back as he exits the bus.

\---o0o--

_”You can if you want,” Maisey says, breath peppermint scented and gum tucked at the side of her mouth. This close her mascara looks clumped and her lipgloss smeared -- she’s still the most beautiful girl that Pete’s seen._

_He wants to look at her always, touch the smooth skin of her back as they lie on her bed. Boyband posters on the wall, the pink comforter rumpled beneath them, and Maisey’s parents safely at work._

_It’s a moment they’ve been working up to for seemingly forever. Going from closed-mouth kisses to Pete touching her tits and then under her pants, and he loves it, he does. He’s spent the last few months jerking off to memories of kissing and the sounds that she makes as she opens her legs and Pete slips in his fingers, rock hard and needing, imagining the moment he finally gets to put his dick into a warm body._

_And that moment is now. Pete wants this. He wants to have full sex with this girl that he loves._

_Except, somehow he can’t._

_Heart racing and chest tight, Pete stumbles as he gets off of the bed, pants around his ankles and hard on deflating as he says, “I’m sorry. I just, I can’t.”_

_They don’t try again. There’s no point when even the thought leaves Pete panicked._

\---o0o--

Patrick paces the dressing room, tension bleeding out despite his best efforts to keep calm as he stops close to Pete and says, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I can tell him to get lost.” Joe lowers the magazine he’s been hiding behind for almost an hour, his expression set as he looks directly at Pete. “I like the guy but I’ll still kick his ass if you want.”

“I don’t want.” Pete stares in the mirror, checking his reflection even though Mikey won’t care how Pete looks. Hell, Pete shouldn’t care how he looks to Mikey, it’s not like they’re anything but friends now, but somehow, Pete still does want to look good.

It feels like forever since Pete saw Mikey in person, a long silence followed by hurt texts that eventually morphed into meaningless links and typed small talk. Sometimes, it feels like Warped never happened, summer days and long nights nothing but memories that Pete has imagined and not actually lived though, except, those memories still have the capability to cut deep.

Pete misses Mikey, in a way that catches his breath and leaves him feeling empty inside, in-jokes and gangs replaced by hastily written words and an unsettling feeling of loss. And it’s a loss caused entirely by Pete.

Now all he can do is keep going, hold onto the friendship at least as he watches Mikey fall for Alicia, never looking back toward Pete as he runs to someone who can love him as much as he needs in return.

“Fuck this, I’m telling him to go.” Pete looks away from the mirror, his attention pulled back to the present and Patrick who’s heading toward the door and the security who’ll be standing outside. “No one knows he was supposed to be here, anyway.”

Pete stands, grabbing for Patrick’s arm and holding on. “I know. I want him here. I wouldn’t have asked him if I didn’t.”

“He’s bringing his girlfriend,” Patrick says, the muscles in his arm tight as he clenches his fist. “He’s rubbing your face in it.”

“No he’s not.” That’s something Pete knows for sure, especially as he was the one who suggested Mikey bring Alicia along, to watch the secret show and be there for support. “I said he should bring her. He was going to come alone.”

“Fuck, Pete.” Patrick drops his arm, looks toward Joe who’s hiding behind his magazine again, and Andy who’s seemingly fast asleep on the sofa. “What the hell are you doing? Do you really need to hurt yourself so much?”

Pete wants to deny it, but Patrick was there after the end of the tour. Through the endless days and nights of Pete spilling his emotions onto paper.For the too wide smiles and declarations that Pete was okay, even as he survived on coffee and pills. It’s why, all Pete can say is, “It’s Alicia. You like her.”

“I do like her. I like Mikey, too,” Patrick says, staring at Pete as if he’s trying to see into his head and work out what Pete’s actually doing. “But I want to hate them, both of them for what they did to you.”

“They didn’t.....”

“I know.” Patrick holds up his hand, cutting off Pete. “I know they didn’t do anything, and that’s what I hate the most. That hating them means I’d have to hate you for causing this, and I can’t do that.”

“Good,” Pete says, because this is something he needs, the knowledge that no matter how stupid Pete is or how he hurts those around him, Patrick’s at his side always. “Don’t say anything to Mikey or Alicia. I’m okay.”

“Yeah, you’re not,” Patrick says, no trace of his former anger visible as he looks at his watch, seemingly resigned about what’s going to happen tonight. “Are they coming soon? We need to decide what songs Mikey will play.”

There’s no need for Pete to check, but he still brings out his phone, pretending he needs to read the message from Mikey as he says, “Twenty minutes. He’s going to text when he’s close.”

“Okay,” Patrick says, walking away from Pete and picking up a handwritten set list that’s been left on the table. “I’ll go over these while you wait.”

Pete doesn’t reply, just keeps hold of his phone and counts down the minutes.

~~~~~

Despite telling himself that he has to act cool, Mikey’s barely taken a step into the dressing room when Pete launches himself forward, arms outstretched as he grabs Mikey in a hug and holds on. Unlike the hugs Pete’s learned to tolerate, the ones from the fans and people who just want to show that they care, this is a hug that feels right. Like something inside of Pete has snapped into place as he leans his head against Mikey’s and says simply, “I’ve missed you.”

“Me too,” Mikey says, and Pete knows that many people would sound bitter right now, their actual feelings exposed with a face-to-face meeting; but not Mikey. Mikey who forgives always and is far too tolerant of behavior that would drive others away. It’s why Pete takes a step back, needing the distance before he allows himself to think that things could change and they still have a chance.

“You brought Alicia,” Pete says, glad to see that Patrick, Joe and Andy are greeting Alicia as an old friend and not the person who’s stolen Mikey away. “Things are still going well?”

Truthfully, Pete’s not sure if he’s got the right to ask, personal questions another thing lost along with the long nights and intimate physical closeness. But Pete needs to know that Mikey is happy, even though, right at this moment everything screams that he is.

Mikey grins, wide and bright as he looks toward Alicia, who, seemingly feeling the look, turns and gives him a wink. “They’re great. We’re thinking of moving in together.”

“Already?” On one hand it seems hasty, but on the other, what this industry has shown Pete is you have to take happiness when it’s there for the taking, even if that’s something he can’t do himself.

“It feels like the right thing to do,” Mikey says, radiating contentment as he tugs at his hat, ensuring it sits right. “Not yet, though. She’s got her own place and we’re busy, but yeah. We’ve talked about the future.”

Which is more than Pete ever did, thoughts of a long term future always suffocating and seemingly impossible when at times it takes Pete all his effort to get through the day. Resentment and loss warring with wanting Mikey to be happy, Pete pulls on his best defenses as he smiles and says, “You’d better invite me to your housewarming party.”

“One of the first on the list,” Mikey says, looking past Pete toward the others before he adds, “You always will be.”

And this is what Pete wanted, to know that despite everything that happened, Mikey’s a friend. Except, now that he has it, it doesn’t feel nowhere near enough. Which isn’t fair, it can’t be when Pete can’t give any more. It’s why he steps away from Mikey and says, “You should go talk to Patrick, he’s got ideas for tonight, and I want to say hi to Alicia.”

“It’s about time, I thought you were leaving me hanging.” Alicia extracts herself from out of the group, attention going to Pete as she waits for him to come close. 

“Just talking to Mikey,” Pete says, swapping Mikey for Alicia as he moves in for a hug. One that feels good as Pete relaxes at the familiar scent of Alicia’s perfume and the way she knows not to hold on for too long. “He says you’re thinking about moving in together.”

Alicia looks over at Mikey, mouth curled up in a smile as she says, “We’ll probably die of malnutrition and have to sleep on the floor, but we’ve talked about it.”

“Get a place in the city, you can survive on take out and sleep on the couch,” Joe says, as if living in any other way is abnormal. Hell, for most people in the business it is, it’s just a case of whether you survive on take out in a shitty rented apartment or your own house. “Keep your basses in a corner, a blanket nailed at the window and you’ll have all the comforts of home.”

“Tempting,” Alicia says, standing so Pete’s left next to Mikey. “We’ll give it some time, see if I’m ready to put up with his cold feet twenty-four seven.”

“HIs corpse feet.” Pete shivers, remembering the shock of Mikey’s cold feet against the back of his legs when they crammed into a bunk and attempted to sleep. “It’s like sleeping with an ice cube.”

Mikey dips his head, chin hidden beneath the high collar of his coat and looking amused as he says, “We all can’t be hot blooded like you.”

It’s a long standing comment, one that usually ends with Pete joking about warming things up, but today it’s a joke that feels wrong. Pete all too aware of Alicia watching, even though she laughs in response and then says, “Guess I need you both to even things up.”

“Or make things explode,” Andy says, attention already diverted as he pulls a set of drumsticks from out of his back pocket and drums a careful drill on Joe’s arm. “It’s nearly showtime, we need to get ready.”

“Ready to rock!” His arm outstretched, Joe runs in a tight circle as he hi-fives Patrick, Andy, Alicia, Pete and then Mikey, an impulsive quick version of the band ritual that always happens pre-show. 

As distractions go it’s perfectly timed, Pete needing to give himself over to the buzz of the impending show, because if he does that he doesn’t have to think of what Alicia just said. A casual comment that was meant as nothing more than a joke, Pete knows that, but it was also one that hit hard. 

“Mikey, we need to discuss the set list.” Patrick urges Mikey away from the group, steering him toward the side of the room where the set lists have somehow ended up wedged between two bags of chips. “Decide when you’re going to appear.”

“Which contradicts the impulsive nature of the thing,” Andy says yet again, checking the time before taking his former position on the couch. “Mikey knows our songs, he should just come on stage whenever.”

“Or he could come on when we expect him to,” Patrick says, giving Andy a look before plucking the set lists free and turning back to Mikey. “As I was saying...”

Alicia takes a step closer to Pete, her voice low as she says, “I see he hasn’t changed.”

“No.” It’s a short answer, but the only one Pete needs to give, knowing that Alicia’s comment is based on old friendship with no judgment implied. “You want a drink? We’ve got water or soda.”

Alicia grins, bumping Pete’s arm with her own. “You’re treating from the rider. You charmer.”

Pete mock bows and links his arm with Alicia’s, escorting her to the table that’s covered in drinks and platters of food, grinning as he says, “No one said I don’t know how to treat a lady.”

\---o0o--

_Pete never intended to make it a thing. He’s never looked at purity rings and wondered if he could do that, that he could wait to enjoy full sex until he was married. Or even, if he’s honest, thought about waiting at all._

_To Pete his path was always set out. Jerking off in his bedroom or bathroom as he imagined working through all the bases with the girls at his school, and then, finally ending up with someone special, when they’d end up having full sex._

_It all seemed so simple back then. Dick in his hand and head turned to one side, face pushed against his pillow to muffle the sounds as Pete thought about the things he’d looked up online, or the way Mrs Thomson’s bra showed through her blouse when she leaned over to check what he was writing. Any little thing enough to make him hard -- fast._

_Pete loves the idea of sex. Strike that, Pete loved the idea of sex -- because now that he’s attempted it once, he’s realized it isn’t so simple. It’s not just sticking your dick into someone who’s willing. It’s giving over a part of yourself, saying that you like someone enough that you want to be close in the most intimate way possible -- and it turns out, that terrifies Pete._

_Afraid of taking that last step, it’s just easier to stop. To back off when each new girlfriend starts to get heavy, to say that he’s sorry, that it’s Pete and not them._

_It works, Pete’s girlfriends saying what a gentleman Pete is, how he respects them always and never attempts to go too far. And it’s true. Pete learns to enjoy people for who they are and ends things if they start getting too heavy._

_Which is fine. Pete doesn’t need sex to have fun, and he never stops getting turned on by the scenes in his head. It’s just, instead of another warm body, Pete gets off with the help of his hand._

\---o0o--

Sometimes, being on tour is the worst. Like now, when Pete’s stuck in a car on the way to an interview, trying to talk to someone who has the information he needs. Frustrated, Pete grips his phone, willing it to ring, or announce a message, anything to signal that he’s getting an answer.

It doesn’t, and he’s about going out of his mind.

“We can call again once we’ve finished the interview,” Patrick says, and squeezes Pete’s knee, a sign of support that’s hidden from the fans that are swarming the entrance to the radio station. “We’ll find someone who knows.”

“I should have phoned him before.” It’s something Pete can’t stop going over, the fact that while he’s never stopped texting Mikey, it’s been too long since they’ve actually talked. Not for any bad reason, just, this way Pete’s managed to hang onto his friendship with Mikey without pulling off the scab that covers his feelings. 

Until something like this happens, and the love Pete’s tried to push down, is suddenly and painfully there. Every breath hurts as Pete pushes for answers. Needing to know from someone that even if Mikey’s not okay, he’s in a place to get help

“You couldn’t have known,” Patrick says, and when Pete starts to reply he shakes his head and stresses, “You couldn’t. Knowing someone is about to break down is different to knowing they’ve got issues. You can’t spend all of your time watching someone to make sure they’re okay. That’s exhausting.”

Pete looks out of the window, calculating how much time he’s got before he has to plaster on a smile before greeting the fans. “You do it.”

Patrick shrugs, seemingly brushing off what he’s just said in terms of himself. “I’m with you all the time. And Mikey’s got people around him, too.”

“He hasn’t got you,” Pete says, Patrick such a stabilizing presence that Pete can’t imagine living his life without him. But, even if Mikey doesn't have Patrick, he does have Gerard, and Alicia, and countless other friends who’ll be there at his side when they can. It’s just, Pete wants to be there too. Not that there’ll be anything he can do or say that’ll help at the moment, but Pete does know what it’s like, and even if Pete has given up his rights to get close, he’s still going to try. “After. I’m going to see him.”

“I’ll help you find flights,” Patrick says, tugging at his hat as the first fan takes note of the car and starts yelling. “Ready to do this?”

“No,” Pete says as he pulls on a smile and steps out the car.

\---o0o--

_The thing about Mikey was, he was different._

_Not in the way he was a guy not a girl, but the fact that being with him was easy. There was no pressure, no times where Pete had to hide parts of himself or pretend to be something he wasn’t. It was just a strengthening of a friendship that casually turned into more._

_Even now, months later, Pete can remember their first kiss. How it happened from one breath to the next, Mikey’s eyes wide as Pete dropped down from his tip toes and then waited for Mikey to respond to that first, impulsive kiss, and he had, smiling as he grabbed a handful of Pete’s hoodie, pulled him close and kissed him again. Longer this time, Pete’s opening gambit returned and made more._

_It was good. It was _great_ and Pete knew he was falling for Mikey, both physically and mentally. Pete wanted to be with him always, and when they were together, things felt brighter somehow, even the constantly pressing in dark felt lighter. _

_Pete was falling for someone who was available, who was there, who’d become one of Pete’s best friends. Surely that meant it was different? That this time Pete could take that last step?_

_It still wasn’t enough, Pete’s chest tightening and heart pounding as Mikey suggested renting a hotel room so they could have privacy for once, the ‘to take things to the next level’ unspoken but there._

_That Mikey didn’t push, that he didn’t ask when Pete made excuses said everything, and made Pete love him even more._

_A love that remained constant, when the summer finally ended and all Pete could do was push him away._

\---o0o--

It takes a long time before Pete can see Mikey. Long frustrating weeks where it takes countless phonecalls and messages before he eventually gets to talk to Gerard and Alicia, both of them cagey with information at first. Which Pete gets, while he’s never stopped being Mikey’s friend it’s been a long time since they were close, and exes don’t rank high when it comes to sharing personal information.

Then, just as Pete’s about to go out of his mind, he starts to receive texts from Mikey. Nothing important for the first week, mostly links and meaningless comments sent always at night. When the world is silent and dark and Pete sits up in his bed, too tired to sleep, replying instantly as he imagines Mikey tucked away from the world, protected by the people who love him.

Then, as time passed, snippets of personal information hidden in with the links. Until last night, when Mikey ended a string of texts by asking if Pete wanted to meet up the next day. Pete did, more than anything he wanted to see Mikey, and replied yes without hesitation at all. And Pete still does. Just, now it’s time for the meeting, he’s nervous, shredding empty sugar packets as he sits at the table in an out of the way Starbucks and waits.

Truthfully, he’s not sure what to expect. The talks with Alicia and Gerard letting him know that Mikey’s doing better, and the texts supporting that fact. But still, it’s been a long time since they were together, and Pete can’t help worrying that the ease of summer will have been replaced by awkwardness and two people who’ve become distant friends at best.

“Pete.”

Surprised, Pete drops the remains of the packet, sugar and paper brushed to one side as he stands, staring at Mikey who’s walking into the small outside enclosure that houses the tables and chairs. Since the last time Pete saw him Mikey looks different, which isn’t a surprise. Pete’s seen the pictures and spent hours reading reports about My Chem and specifically Mikey, so he knows that Mikey’s stopped wearing his glasses and that his haircut has drastically changed. Even so, right now it’s like Pete’s looking at a stranger, one who’s lost the ease of before and become all sharp lines and barely there control. 

It’s like Pete’s looking at himself when he’s coming out of his worst. When he’s wrung out and raw but still hanging on.

Mikey remains still, letting Pete look and then, his mouth curling up into a smile, says, “Is that all I get after breaking out? No hug?”

Instantly Pete moves forward, arms outstretched for a hug, and as Mikey gets close, his arms wrapped around Pete, his head against Pete’s, this isn’t strange in the slightest. Mikey may look different, may be different, but he’s still Mikey, and Pete relaxes against him, reluctant to pull back as he says, “Tell me they know that you’re here.”

“Does leaving a note before climbing out the bathroom window count?” Mikey asks, laughing when Pete reacts by jolting upright and looking over his shoulder, sure that Gerard will be close by and glaring.

“Gerard’s just started to talk to me again,” Pete says, the urge to pull out his phone and shove it into Mikey’s hands and tell him to call someone warring with the knowledge that Mikey’s a grown man, and more than that, will have his own phone. “Maybe you should call someone though, just...”

“It’s okay, I’m just joking, they know I’m here,” Mikey says, letting go of Pete and taking a step back. “Gerard offered to come, but I wanted some time alone someplace that wasn’t a therapist office.”

Relief hits hard, and Pete would laugh at himself except for the unsettling knowledge he doesn’t know Mikey as well now. At one point Pete would have seen the joke in an instant, but not now, and he forces a smile, says, “Good. I don’t want to be punched by Gerard.”

“He wouldn’t do that, at least, not now,” Mikey says, casual as he looks past Pete to the table and the two cups of coffee, both with Pete’s name on the side. “Is one of those mine?”

“I’m not double fisting coffee yet,” Pete says, even though right now he could down both one after the other, hoping the caffeine jitters would overwhelm this feeling of awkwardness as he tries to think what to say. “I got you plain black.”

“Thanks.” Mikey takes the cup that Pete indicates, taking a long drink before sitting, legs stretched out and head tilted up to the sun. “I’ve missed this. It feels like I’ve been trapped inside forever.”

“We can stay as long as you like, I cleared my day for you,” Pete says, and hopes that it’s true, that today is one of the days where the fans keep away and Pete and Mikey can both be themselves. 

Mikey takes another drink of his coffee, keeping the cup in his hands as he says, “I’ve got the day too. Therapy was first thing. I think they schedule it like that on purpose as another form of torture.”

Pete takes note of the words, and how Mikey’s grip on his cup has tightened, as if steeling himself for the inevitable questions. Which Pete isn’t about to ask, giving Mikey this time where all that matters is now and not the future or past.

It’s why Pete takes a long drink of his own coffee as he thinks about routes and timing and says, “Do you want to go on an adventure, Mikeyway?”

Instantly, Mikey says, “Always.”

~~~~~

As beaches go it’s not one of the best. But it’s out of the way and mostly uncrowded, with a tiny coffee shop close by, and best of all, is open to dogs. It’s why Pete’s sitting cradling his coffee, the toes of his sneakers dug into the sand as he laughs at Mikey making a fuss of two dalmatians that are seemingly trying their best to knock him onto his ass.

“I’m sorry, they get excitable,” their owner says, hurrying forward and then turning to one side as both dogs shake briskly, spraying water out to all sides. “Spot.Dot.Heel.”

Instantly, both dogs go to heel, panting and happy in that excited dog way that Pete loves seeing so much. Almost as much as he loves the sight of Mikey, damp and sandy, his hair blown out of its gelled style and best of all, his smile wide as he waves away the woman’s apologies and pets Spot and Dot one last time before heading back toward Pete.

“Been making friends I see,” Pete says, grinning when Mikey responds by shaking his hands so stray droplets of cold water hit Pete’s face.

“Spot and Dot,” Mikey says, lowering himself down next to Pete and watching the woman and dogs walk away. “You’d think she’d stretch her imagination. Call them Purdita and Pongo at least.”

Pete picks up Mikey’s coffee, brushing sand from the lid before handing it over. “I like Spot and Dot. They fit and they’re simple.”

“You’re simple,” Mikey says, smile visible behind the cup as he takes a long drink. “It’s cold.”

“You’re the one that’s been playing with dogs for almost an hour,” Pete points out, and Pete’s enjoyed every single minute of that hour as he watched Mikey unwind. “We can go get more if you want.”

“Not yet.” Mikey pulls up his knees, arms wrapped around them as he stares at the ocean and says, “I like it here. It feels empty, like I can breathe.”

“Breathing’s good,” Pete says, and remembers the times that he couldn’t, when it felt like every little thing pressed close from all sides. “Don’t stop.”

“I don’t intend to,” Mikey says, and this isn’t what Pete intended. He wanted this to be a time with no hard questions or Mikey thinking he needs to address the things he’s just gone through. Except, it seems, Mikey’s not done talking and he adds, “Not now, anyway.”

Pete wants to say good, to say anything, but the words are trapped in his throat as he tries to breathe through the thought of a world without Mikey.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Shuffling closer, Mikey leans against Pete and says, “I’m going to be okay.”

“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” Pete asks, tilting his head so it’s resting against Mikey’s. “You’ve stolen my supportive bullshit.”

“No I haven’t,” Mikey says, and then, after a pause. “You’re here, aren’t you?”

“Always,” Pete says in reply.

\---o0o--

Entering the lobby of the building, Pete stands off to one side, clutching his phone as he says, “What the hell am I doing?”

“Fucking yourself up as usual.” Even hundreds of miles and timezones away, Pete can easily picture Patrick’s expression, how he’ll be frowning as he keeps talking to Pete. “We’ve already gone through this once.”

“It’s not like that,” and it’s not, Pete’s being a good friend to Mikey and Alicia, that’s all. “I know he’s with Alicia now. And I meant what am I doing going to this party, nothing else.”

“You’re going because you’re an idiot who likes torturing yourself with things you can’t have.” Patrick sighs and adds, “You’ve been in daily contact with him for weeks now. You’ve taken a plane ride just so you can go to a housewarming party for his family and close friends. Bullshit it’s not that.”

“He’s with Alicia now,” Pete says again, but knows that Patrick’s not about to buy what Pete’s saying. Why should he when Pete barely believes it himself? A long pause, Pete waiting as a group of people walk past, chattering loudly as they head for the stairs, and then reluctantly he admits, “Okay. I may not be as over him as I thought.”

“No shit.” Patrick sighs again and Pete hears him walking, the sound of Patrick’s laptop powering up. “I can be there in the morning. I’ll book a flight and room and....”

“Why?” Pete cuts Patrick off, trying to understand why he’d even think about coming to Pete. “I’m okay. I’m not going to say anything. Just go to the party, celebrate their new home and then go.”

“When you’ll hole up in your hotel room and spend hours posting and deleting stuff online,” Patrick says, and then, softer, as if talking to himself as well as Pete, “Why couldn’t you decide you weren’t over Mikey when I could see you in person?”

Truthfully, Pete’s known he hasn’t been over Mikey for a long time, since the first time he met up again with Mikey in fact. The secret show at The Knitting Factory reminding Pete what he’d walked away from, and the contact since cementing the loss. Pete misses Mikey always, it’s just, he can’t allow himself to think about that.

“It doesn’t matter.” Pete shrugs, and tucks the gift he’s carrying more securely under his arm. “I’m not going to say anything and I’ll get over it eventually. I always do.”

Patrick doesn’t reply straight away, and Pete leans back against the wall, wanting to be in touching distance of Patrick instead of only being able to imagine his expression, how he must look as he tries to think what to say. “Call me if you need anything. I’m only a flight away.”

“I’ll be fine,” Pete says, and he will. He’s going to go to Mikey and Alicia’s party, be happy for them starting this new part of their lives and then go back to his hotel room knowing he’s been a good friend. It’s a sound plan, and one Pete’s going to start right now. “I’m going up now.”

“Tell Bob hi,” Patrick says, and then, “And be careful.”

“Planning on it,” Pete says, ending the call as he heads for the stairs.

~~~~~

Walking into Mikey and Alicia’s apartment reminds Pete of the parties he used to go to a few years before, with too many people crammed into too small of a place and the level of noise almost too much. Except, as he stands in the doorway and looks around the crowds of people, he sees that along with Mikey and Alicia’s friends, there’s also family. Older people who have to be relatives, and as Pete cranes his head, he sees Donna Way in the kitchen, her hair making her easily visible as she talks to the group around her.

“Pete.” Stopping in place, Pete turns, and is pulled into a quick, fierce hug by Alicia who clings on for a few moments before saying, “I’m so glad you came. Come in, Mikey’s around somewhere.” Alicia stretches up, easily able to see over the crowd due to her stacked boots, grinning when she waves toward the far side of the room. “Come with me.”

Her hand on Pete’s back, Alicia gently pushes him in the direction of Mikey, Pete exchanging quick hellos with the people he recognizes as he walks past. 

“Pete.” As soon as he sees Pete, Mikey’s grin widens and he grabs Pete for a lingering hug hello. It’s also a hug that jabs a corner of the box Pete’s carrying into his side, not that he cares in the slightest. “I wasn’t sure if you’d come.”

Mikey loosens his grip and, reluctantly, Pete takes a step back and holds out the box as he says, “I cleared my schedule for you, and bought you a robot cookie jar. I thought you’d both like it.”

“Fuck yeah we’ll like it,” Mikey says, grin still in place as Alicia takes the box and starts to rip off the wrapping, brightly colored scraps falling to her feet.

“Though you’re not supposed to tell us what we’ve got before opening it,” Alicia says, laughing as she crumples paper and throws it toward an already overflowing garbage can at the side of the room. 

“Patience isn’t my strong suit,” Pete says, ignoring the way Mikey bites back a laugh as Alicia opens the box and eases the robot from the protective padding inside. “I was going to put some cookies in but didn’t have time.”

“You’ll have to fill it later, then.” Robot held tight against her chest, Alicia shares a look with Mikey and then says, “Come help us decide where it goes.”

As requests go it’s not particularly demanding, but at the same time, Pete’s no expert on the placement of robot cookie jars and he doesn’t know why his opinion is needed at all. Still, he follows them both into the kitchen, where Pete sees Gerard smoking next to the open kitchen window.

“Gee, Pete’s here,” Mikey says, voice raised above the music and background talking from all parts of the apartment. “He bought us a robot.”

Gerard blows out a long plume of smoke, stubbing out his cigarette on a plate. “I hope it’s not a laser firing deathbot, because I was going to get you one of those for your birthday.”

“They were out of those,” Pete says, sharing a quick one-armed hug with Gerard. “I had to settle for a cookie jar.”

Gerard nods and brings his hand to his face, as if to push back hair that’s no longer there. “Sucks. Next time get on the list sooner.”

“Got it,” Pete says, matching Gerard’s serious tone. “Next time get on the deathbot list much sooner.”

“You won’t regret it,” Gerard says, and then smiles, wide and sunny. “How the fuck are you? We haven’t spoken for a while.”

“I’m good,” Pete says, and doesn’t say how the last time they talked Pete was all but begging Gerard for more news about Mikey. “I had a few days off so figured I’d come see Mikey and Alicia’s new place.”

“It’s great.” Gerard indicates the apartment with a sweep of his arm, barely missing the variety of half full soda bottles lined up on the worktop. “You’ll be able to see when it isn’t so full. At least, that is if you’re staying.”

“I’ve got a hotel room, I’ll...” Pete starts to answer, but stops when Mikey moves close, draping his arm over Pete’s shoulder and leaning against him.

“Of course he’s staying. He needs to make us cookies to put in the robot.”

“I never said I’d make them,” Pete says, and it’s second nature to fit himself against Mikey, feeling comfortable and at ease until he focuses on Alicia, who’s looking their way and smiling. Awkwardness hitting, Pete starts to move away, but Mikey holds on, keeping Pete still.

“You promised us cookies, and you can bake them, I’ve seen it,” Mikey says, giving Alicia a thumbs up when she places the robot on the windowsill, taking pride of place between the cactus and plastic action figure of The Joker complete with tiny feather boa. “Remember, you baked them in the bus that time.”

Pete does remember, except for one important point that Mikey’s overlooking. “I cut rounds from a can of ready made dough and we ate them raw,”

“You made cookies,” Mikey says, seemingly not seeing the difference. “And you can make them again.”

“Except you’ll cook them this time,” Alicia says,moving to stand next to Mikey, her arm around his waist so her hand brushes Pete’s side. “You can make them tomorrow, when everyone has gone home.”

It’s not what Pete planned, but all he can do is say yes, even if he’s got no idea why they want him to stay, or why Gerard’s staring at Mikey like he’s trying to read his mind. Not that seeing that is anything new, just, it’s been a while since Pete’s seen it in such close quarters.

“Pete.” It’s Donna who breaks the silence, her heels tapping against the tile floor as she walks close and kisses Pete’s cheek. “Mikey said you might be coming. Has he offered you a drink? There should be cold sodas in the fridge if you want to help yourself.”

And instantly Pete’s transported back years, to a stifling hot bus and Gerard, dark haired and pale as he guarded Mikey’s sleep. Wanting to laugh, Pete bites the inside of his cheek and then says, “I just arrived, but I’ll help myself soon.”

“See that you do,” Donna says, fond as she looks over at Mikey. “I’m going to talk to your aunt. Don’t let your brother steal my cigarettes.”

“I’ll watch him,” Mikey promises, unresisting when Donna reaches out and ruffles both his and Gerard’s hair -- or at least tries to, not so subtly grabbing a paper napkin and rubbing her hands as she leaves.

“Told you,” Gerard says, obviously remembering the same conversation as Pete as he smiles while watching his mom leave. “Hosting my mom’s way.”

Mikey raises an eyebrow, looking between Gerard and Pete. “Some conversation we should know about?”

“Nothing important,” Gerard says, reassuring Mikey with a look, but then adds, his attention going to Pete. “Except, I will punch if I have to.”

“You won’t have to,” Alicia says, which is good, because Pete’s got no idea why Gerard’s given the warning, and it is a warning, Pete can tell, even if right now Gerard looks relaxed and perfectly happy.

“Come on, you can help me raid the pizza before Ray eats it all,” Mikey says, hunching over so he can talk in Pete’s ear. “If you create a distraction I’ll grab the box.”

“Bring me a slice back,” Alicia says, stretching up to see into the main room. “Ray’s talking, and the boxes are unguarded.”

“Perfect time for a mission then,” Mikey says, grinning as he wraps his fingers around Pete’s wrist. “Ready?”

Pete isn’t. He’s got no idea what’s going on or why Gerard’s watching so intently, but when it comes down to it, Pete doesn’t care. It feels good to be so close to Mikey, to feel the familiar thrill of doing something that’s about to make them both laugh. Pete’s missed it, and even if he is unsure about some things, he knows he wants to stay close to Mikey. It’s why Pete looks at him, smiles and says, “Let’s do it.”

~~~~~

Hands on her hips, Alicia looks over the wreck of the apartment and says, “At least no one’s asleep in the tub.”

“I think your brother was considering it,” Mikey says, picking up an empty plastic cup, and then setting it back down a few inches away. “Fuck it, clearing up can wait until morning.”

“I meant what I said, we can help to clean up.” His arm around Christa, Ray stands with one hand on the door handle, frowning as he looks around the room. “We don’t mind.”

“We’ve got it.” Alicia yawns, blinking and rubbing at her eyes as she hugs Christa and Ray. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay? We’ll find room somewhere.”

“It won’t take long to get back,” Ray says, smiling as he opens the door. “And it looks like your couch is booked, anyway.”

Instantly, Pete says, “You mean me? I can go, I’ve got a hotel room booked, the couch is yours if you want it.”

Mikey gives Pete a pointed look. “You’re not weaseling out of making cookies that easily.”

Truthfully, Pete’s glad he doesn’t have to go back to the hotel. Exhausted after traveling and then spending hours in the company of Mikey and Alicia’s family and friends, all he wants to do is lie down on the nearest horizontal surface and sleep. Not that Pete wouldn’t give up the couch if he had to, especially as right now even the floor looks good. “Seriously, I can sleep somewhere else.”

“Or you can take the couch and be quiet,” Alicia says, ending Pete’s protest as she reaches for Mikey, holding his hand as Christa and Ray leave in a flurry of more hugs and fist bumps.

“You know, my cookies aren’t that special.” Pete has to make that point, filling the silence as Alicia locks the door and Mikey kicks at a pizza box that’s been left on the floor. “I’ve never actually tried to bake them before.”

“So we’ll have an experiment.” The door locked, Alicia yawns again and says, “I’ll get you a blanket. Put the TV on, we can watch a movie before bed.”

It’s a tempting proposition, but as much as Pete enjoys watching movies with friends, he knows he’s too tired to stay up for much longer, the combination of socializing, traveling, and trying to deal with old unearthed feelings draining even Pete’s usual reserves of energy. “Raincheck? I’m about dead on my feet.”

“Raincheck it is,” Alicia says, heading into the bedroom for a blanket and leaving Mikey and Pete alone.

“It’s been a fucking fantastic party,” Mikey says, and while he’s not close, he’s looking directly at Pete, his gaze intent. “Thank you.”

From here Pete can barely see the robot cookie jar, now mostly hidden by a wall of plastic cups, and he says, “It’s only a robot.”

“Not for that,” Mikey says, grabbing the pillow Alicia throws out of the bedroom. “For coming and for being here.”

Pete tries to find the words to respond, but in the end, all he can say is, “You’re welcome.”

\---o0o--

_The months after Warped were brutal._

_Faced with his own failings, Pete took refuge in words, spewing out lyrics until his hand and head ached as much as he was hurting inside._

_And the thing was, Pete knew he was sharing secrets, putting things out there that shouldn’t be known by the fans, but he did it anyway. Hurting himself and no doubt hurting Mikey when he finally, inevitably, heard the new album._

_Pete didn’t know. He didn’t ask._

_What he did do was take solace in his friends. Needing contact always, hugs and casual touches, wanting to be touched while also pushing away when things got too much. A  
kiss, a touch to Pete’s back, a hug that lasted long enough for Pete to know that he mattered. Pete craved them all while seeking out new people, dating both women and men._

_Pete liked them all, but as relationships they remained casual at best. Some kissing, some groping underneath clothes, Pete enjoying going down on a woman or getting a blowjob, but nothing more._

_It was just easier that way._

\---o0o—  
It feels like Pete’s been asleep for all of a few minutes when he wakes, the blanket wrapped uncomfortably around his legs and the pillow nowhere in sight. Groping at the foot of the couch, Pete finds his pants and pulls his phone out of his pocket, eyes squinted half shut as he blearily peers at the time.

Nine forty five, which explains why Pete’s stomach is growling and why there’s light bleeding from behind the shut curtains. Groaning, Pete puts back his phone, kicks the blanket off his legs and picks the pillow from off of the floor. Thumping it into shape, he lies down, blanket pulled up to his shoulders and face against the pillow, taking in the lingering mixed scent that signifies Mikey and Alicia to Pete.

Breathing deeply, Pete closes his eyes, about to try for more sleep, when he hears the soft sound. At first, Pete’s unsure what it is, but as he lies still and listens, it becomes obvious he’s hearing a series of gasps, bitten off and muted, but still there.

It’s something Pete’s heard before, years’ worth of touring giving him an extensive knowledge of how people sound when they’re discreetly trying to jerk off or have sex. But this is different. This is Mikey and Alicia, and Pete feels abruptly overheated, sense memories hitting hard as he hears Mikey moan and Alicia say something that despite being indistinguishable, hits Pete hard in the chest. It’s been forever since he heard her speak that low, the tone understandable even if the words are not.

It’s been years, but Pete can’t help remembering the feel of Alicia’s body against his, the heat of her breath against Pete’s neck as he fumbled at the hooks of her bra. Then later, when Alicia was nothing but a fond memory and ex, how Mikey would lie next to Pete. Both of them overheated in the small space of the bunk as they kissed, Mikey taking in Pete’s gasps into his mouth while languidly jerking him off. 

It’s a combination that leaves Pete hard and wanting, abruptly turned on and lonely in turn as he listens and imagines what’s going on in the next room. About the sex stuff, sure -- that’s inevitable with what Pete’s hearing right now -- but also how Mikey and Alicia fit together always, how the love between them is obvious in every word, touch and glance. It’s something that makes Pete’s breath catch, and he knows he shouldn’t do this. That if he was a good friend he’d make some noise to show that he’s awake and able to hear -- but Pete doesn’t.

Instead he pulls up his knees, hand clamped between his legs as he lies still and listens. And Pete knows this is stupid, that torturing himself like this is a form of self-destruction he’s tried hard to get past, but all Pete can think is, he brought them together. 

Alicia was never Pete’s, but he liked her: a lot, and Mikey.... Mikey could have been Pete’s -- was Pete’s for a while -- a real, long lasting relationship there for the taking. If Pete hadn’t run things could have been different, but he did, and now he’s stuck on this couch like some kind of creepy voyeur.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Frustrated, Pete screws shut his eyes and tries to work out how long it’ll take to get back to his hotel room. If he goes now he could be back within an hour, but that means getting dressed and out without either Mikey and Alicia hearing. Which Pete’s sure he can do, and he slides his arm out of the blanket, getting ready to scoop up his pants when he hears footsteps and a door being pushed fully open.

“Pete?” More footsteps and Pete opens his eyes and sees Mikey, hair sticking up in small tufts and mouth wet. He’s also wrapped in a sheet, the material bunched at the front where Mikey’s holding it closed, his hand close to a darkening bite at the side of his stomach. 

The visual representation of what he’s been hearing hits hard, and Pete feels raw, like his every emotion is there to be seen as Mikey keeps watching. Groping for excuses, Pete waits for Mikey to ask if he’s okay, to apologize for waking him, anything but this silent staring that’s driving Pete insane.

“I owe Alicia a week of washing up, now,” Mikey says, and it’s so far from what Pete was expecting that there’s no chance he can form a reply. Especially when Alicia comes out of the bedroom, her robe tightly wrapped around her as she moves to stand next to Mikey.

“Baby, go get some clothes on, a sheet won’t cut it for this conversation,” Alicia says, brushing her fingers across Mikey’s arm as she looks down at Pete. “I’m going to make coffee. Do you want some?”

“I do,” Mikey says, making Alicia laugh as she gently pushes him back toward the bedroom.

“I know,” Alicia says, smiling as she takes the few steps into the kitchen and uncovers the coffee machine by pushing aside plates of dried-out food and stacks of plastic cups. “I swear these things are breeding.”

Pete sits, blanket over his lap and feeling more settled as Alicia busies herself making coffee. It’s domestic normalcy that’s helping Pete relax, the feelings of before still there but more muted and easy to deal with as he watches Alicia stretch up to get three mugs out of a cupboard.

“Do you want some help?” Pete feels he should ask, even though Alicia seems perfectly content as she pushes back yet more plastic cups to make a space on the counter.

“Not yet, but you’re on the list for the big clean up later,” Alicia says, picking up a bowl which she takes over and offers to Pete. “Breakfast?”

Pete looks in the bowl and sees it’s half full of stale chips. Taking a few, he keeps them cupped in his hand, eating them one at a time.

“I love Mikey, but sometimes he forgets everyone can’t read his mind.”

Confused, Pete swallows and looks over at Alicia who’s sat on the arm of the couch. Bowl in her lap she looks over her shoulder to the bedroom, and then back to Pete, her feelings for Mikey there in the softening of her expression and the slight curl of her mouth. It’s enough to make Pete feel unsettled again, and he quickly eats all of the chips, needing something to do with his hands.

“I keep telling him we’re all not Gerard, but he never listens,” Alicia says, her smile widening when Mikey appears, thankfully, fully dressed in an old t-shirt and sweat pants this time.

“I’ve told you, I don’t have a freaky psychic thing with Gerard,” Mikey says, looking toward the kitchen before joining Alicia and Pete on the couch. Pushing at Pete’s legs, Mikey sits so he can lean with his head against Alicia’s side. “We just talk.”

“And finish each other’s sentences,” Alicia says, resting her hand on Mikey’s shoulder. “I swear, one day I’m going to ask Donna if she found you both in a scorched crater.”

“Or a pod,” Pete suggests, time doing nothing to diminish the memories of Mikey and Gerard seemingly communicating without words. “It’s either that or they’re mutants.”

“It would explain a lot.” Her grin wide, Alicia squeezes Mikey’s shoulder and then adds, more serious now, “But from one non-mutant to another. What Mikey assumed you’d know is, we left the bedroom door open on purpose. In case you wanted to join us.”

It’s not what Pete was expecting to hear in the slightest, and through the sudden racing of his heart, he manages to say, “Why?”

“Why do we want you to join us?” Mikey asks, sounding confused, like Pete not knowing makes no sense at all. “Because you’re hot and we love you and I miss you. I always have.”

Pete worries the material of the blanket, wishing he could pull it over his head and hide until he can make sense of what’s going on. But one thing Pete does know, is that what Mikey’s just said doesn’t mesh with the offer that was apparently given before.

“You can stop thinking that.” Frowning a little, Alicia looks past Mikey, her attention only on Pete. “I’m not doing this for Mikey. Yeah, he misses you more, he was with you more, but I’m doing this for me, too.”

“Are you sure you weren’t found in a crater, too?” Pete asks, the joke falling flat as Pete desperately tries to understand how they’ve arrived at this point. Because yeah, Pete’s been enjoying being back in contact with Mikey and Alicia, and sure, his old feelings for Mikey and Alicia are there. But there’s a huge jump between that and them wanting Pete in their bed. “I don’t get it. We didn’t date for that long, and I left Mikey.”

“And it fucking sucked,” Mikey says, and all Pete wants to do is get up and run. Despite all they’ve been through, the closer reconnection of the last months, this is the first time Mikey’s mentioned how Pete left at the end of tour, and Pete doesn’t want to hear how he fucked up again. But he will, because Pete did fuck up, and deserves any backlash he gets. Except, it seems Mikey’s stopped talking.

“That’s all you’re going to say?” Pete’s sure that it can’t be, and he can’t help prodding Mikey to say more. “I left without saying goodbye.”

“I know that, I was there.” Mikey trails off, biting at his bottom lip and looking so lost that all Pete wants to do is say, stop, that Mikey doesn’t have to talk about this. “My therapist says I have to talk about things, so yeah, I hated you for doing that, but not you. I could never hate you. I loved you, still do in a way.”

Instantly, Pete looks up at Alicia, needing to see how she’s taking what Mikey is saying. But there’s no hint of jealousy, just Alicia looking directly at Pete as she says, “You’re a hard man to get over, Pete Wentz.”

Pete thinks back to the time he dated Alicia, and while it was good, it was a relationship that didn’t last long, even though it was intense at the time. Hesitantly and sure that he’s wrong, Pete says, “You’ve been missing me all that time, too?”

“In your dreams,” Alicia smiles, taking any sting out of her words. “But what we had was fantastic, and I want that again, and Mikey still has feelings for you, so. We could have a good thing together.”

To Pete it seems too easy. It’s not that he doesn’t know people in successful poly relationships, but he’s never imagined that for Mikey and Alicia, who’re so joined as a couple it’s hard to see where a third would fit in. There’s also the issue Pete’s unsure what they actually want, and he says, “Do you do this often? Ask other people to join you in bed?”

“Oh sure,” Mikey says casually, hands out in front of him as he counts names off on his fingers. “There was that girl from the coffee shop and the Madden twins, that was a super fun night, and Brian that time and Sarah and we asked Ray and Christa once, oh, and of course Gerard.....”

Pete stares, sure his eyes are widening with every listed name, until the last, when he kicks out at Mikey’s thigh, laughing as he says, “Bastard, I was believing you then.”

Mikey grins wide and drops his hands. “Seriously, this is the first time. There wasn’t anyone important enough, before.”

Pete considers what Mikey’s just said, and as unexpected as this is, this part does feel right, that if a threesome does happen it would have to be with someone special and not just for kicks. 

“We’ve talked about this, it isn’t an impulsive decision,” Alicia says, and then, “And it could be fun with you. If you want. No pressure or expectations. But if you want to say no, nothing will change, we’ll still be friends. Promise.”

Pete believes her, and knows the easy thing to do would be to say no. It’s just, part of him wants to say yes. Which is insane because nothing has changed since Warped. Pete still hasn’t taken that last step, and if he does this, he’ll have to tell his secret again. Conflicted, Pete tries to think past the pounding in his head, wanting what Mikey and Alicia are offering, but also wanting to run.

Except, Pete’s done that once, and he’s tired of being afraid. Gathering courage, Pete looks at Mikey and Alicia, both patiently waiting and not pushing at all, and says, “Yes. Yes I want to give this a try, but I have to tell you something first.”

~~~~~~

“You told them?” There’s a long pause where Pete’s left listening to empty air until Patrick says, “Why?”

“Because they needed to know.” As an answer it’s a cop out, and Pete knows it, but he needs to lead up to telling the full details. Not that it’s a lead up that’s going to last long, it can’t when Patrick’s pointedly waiting, not replying until eventually Pete adds, “They invited me to have a threesome. I figured it was something that would come up.”

“They invited you to have a threesome?” While Patrick does sound surprised, mostly he sounds concerned, and Pete hangs onto that, needing to know that Patrick cares always. “What kind? A one off? Something more? And what happened when you told them? If they laughed at you I’m taking the next flight out.”

“They didn’t laugh,” Pete says instantly. “They wouldn’t.”

Patrick sighs, and there’s the sound of him sitting before he says, “Yeah. I know that they wouldn’t. It’s just. A threesome. Fuck. You only left to go to a party.”

“Now it’s going to be a party in my pants.” Pete laughs, high and nervous as he stops walking and takes shelter under the striped awning of a bakery, bringing his hand to his mouth to bite at his thumbnail as he waits for Patrick to reply.

“Tell me you’re not planning a ‘Pete pops his cherry’ party,” Patrick says slowly. “Because that would be a stupid fucking idea.”

“Sounds like a good theme to me.” Pete steps to the side so he can lean back against the brick wall, hand clenched into a fist as he watches the early afternoon shoppers hurry past, each one focused in on themselves and paying no attention to Pete, “No, that’s not going to happen.”

Instantly, Patrick says, “Good,” and then, “You still haven’t told me what they said.”

“Not much,” Pete says, and before Patrick can ask for more details, admits, “I didn’t really give them a chance to. I told them and then walked out and said I’d get coffee.”

“You walked out? What....”

“I had to,” Pete cuts Patrick off, and all he can think of is the awkward silence after he’d first told his secret, and how Mikey and Alicia didn’t seem to know what to say. “I told them and they just looked at me, and I couldn’t stay there, so I told them I’d go and get coffee.”

“You just walked out,” Patrick says again, and Pete wants to tell how he felt so exposed and tongue-tied, how his ease of words disappeared as he tried to explain.

“I put my pants on first.” Pete tries for a joke, but it’s not much of one when he’s standing outside in t-shirt and pants only, and sneakers with the laces untied. “And if I’ve got coffee they’ll let me back in.”

“We would have let you back in even if you didn’t have coffee.”

At the sound of Mikey’s voice, Pete bites back a curse, and turns, seeing Mikey and Alicia in easy hearing distance as they move to stand next to Pete. “You followed me?”

“Of course we did,” Alicia says, the coat she’s pulled on doing little to hide the fact she’s still wearing her pink-spotted pajamas. “You looked freaked out.”

“I was freaked out,” Pete admits, and brings his phone back to his ear. “Patrick. Mikey and Alicia are here.”

“I can hear that. Put Mikey on.” For a moment Pete thinks about saying no, but Patrick’s never been mean about Mikey, and Pete can’t see him starting to be so now. At the most what he’s about to say will be embarrassing, and Pete’s got experience in dealing with that. 

Pete holds out his phone, trying to look suitably apologetic as he says, “Mikey, Patrick wants to talk to you.”

“I’m going to get ‘the talk’ on the street wearing my sweats, great,” Mikey says softly, frowning when Alicia laughs and gives him a peck on the cheek.

“You’ve listened to worse.” Another smile, and Alicia touches Pete’s back, gently urging him forward. “Come back to the apartment, Mikey’ll get the coffees when he’s done talking with Patrick.”

“I will,” Mikey agrees, bringing Pete’s phone to his ear. “Go on. I won’t be long.”

“Unless you want to go back to your hotel room, that’s okay, too,” Alicia says, all previous amusement replaced by uncertainty, like if she’s too forceful Pete could bolt any minute. “If you get a cab we’ll send your stuff over later.”

“No, it’s okay, I’m coming back.” The last thing Pete wants to do is make Alicia feel bad, especially as she hasn’t done anything wrong. Neither Mikey or Alicia have in fact, and Pete needs to explain that. “I just. I wanted coffee.”

“And some space, yeah?” Her hand still on his back, Alicia starts walking, and Pete takes comfort in that touch, that Alicia wants to stay close, no matter that he did lose his nerve and run. 

“Not from you,” Pete says, and then shakes his head and corrects, “No, it was from you. You and Mikey, I haven’t shared what I told you very often; I didn’t know what you’d think.”

“We think it makes no difference.” Suddenly, Alicia pulls Pete into a tight hug, ignoring the people who mutter as they’re forced to divert from their path. “But that’s not a conversation for out here.”

Truthfully, Pete hopes it’s a conversation for never, but he knows that’s an impossible hope. More than that, it’s an impractical hope, because Pete does have to discuss this, no matter how little he wants to. It’s why he reluctantly pulls out of the hug and then says, “Then we’d better go back.”

\---o0o—

If asked previously, Pete would have said cleaning’s no fun, but that was before he’d spent the last hour cleaning with Alicia and Mikey. Loud music that they all sing along to, and an impromptu jam air bass session using brooms, and, in Pete’s case, the brush from the sink, means he’s laughed more than he has for weeks. Even the soaked through front of his t-shirt isn’t an issue as Pete blows bubbles at Alicia and ducks when Mikey throws a stale sandwich his way.

It’s chaotic, noisy fun, and just what Pete needs as he wrings out the front of his t-shirt and surveys the now-clean apartment. Which, now that it’s clear of people and the layer of mess, looks much bigger, and exactly how Pete would expect the joined space of Mikey and Alicia to be. 

After drying his hands on a towel, Pete drapes it over the sink and slowly wanders the apartment, taking in the DVDs and books on the shelf and framed posters and art on the walls. What he doesn’t do is look in the bedroom, where Mikey and Alicia have gone to get changed.

“Here, you can wear this,” Mikey says, appearing out of the bedroom and handing Pete a clean t-shirt. “It’s one of yours anyway.”

Pete takes the t-shirt and sees it is one of his, the material well worn and soft against Pete’s skin as he strips off his wet t-shirt and pulls on the one Mikey handed over. Looking down, Pete tries to remember the last time he saw it, but can’t remember specifics past the end of the Warped summer.

“You left it in my bunk.” Mikey stays close, his arms crossed over his chest and any previous good humor replaced by a blank expression Pete wants to poke at and break. “I found it when I was packing up and decided to keep it.”

Pete shifts from foot to foot, says, “So you could make a voodoo doll? I’m sure Gerard would have stuck it with pins.”

Briefly, Mikey flashes a smile. “He’d have stuck it with a whole box, but no, I kept it because it reminded me of you.”

“Mikey....” Pete trails off and tries to think what to say. How to say sorry for a decision he made so long before. “Back then, I wasn’t thinking and shouldn’t have run off. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Mikey says, and this time his smile stays as he relaxes, dropping his arms and looking back into the bedroom again. “I figured you had reasons.”

“I did,” Pete agrees, and they were valid reasons, even if, in hindsight, he reacted too impulsively in response. But even if Pete had been impulsive, he still knows that they wouldn’t have worked out long term back then. Now though, Pete still doesn’t know if this threesome will work out long term, or even if Mikey and Alicia want it that way, but he’s going to find out. It’s why Pete takes a deep breath and then says, “We need to talk.”

In response, Mikey heads for the couch and sits, his legs stretched out as he pats the space beside him. “Come sit down, Alicia will be out soon.”

Pete nods, and goes to sit next to Mikey, but not too close. For this conversation Pete needs some space, even if it’s just the span of the cushion between them. Settling himself down in the corner, he pulls a cushion onto his lap, holding it close as Alicia appears and looks at the space on the couch. Apparently guessing the significance, she chooses an easy chair instead, pulling it closer to the couch before sitting and then says, “We do need to talk, but if you feel uncomfortable, tell us. No more running away to get coffee.”

“I’m going to feel uncomfortable.” Pete can say that already, because as much as he knows Mikey and Alicia won’t laugh, Pete’s not used to talking about how he’s feeling. At least, not like this, face to face with actual friends and not his therapist or a computer screen and words that don’t judge. 

“Well, okay then, we’ll start if that helps.” Alicia sits forward on the chair, her attention solely on Pete. “Wanting you isn’t an impulsive decision. Yeah, we messed up on the invite, but we do want you to join us, and not just in bed. In a relationship, too.”

Cushion gripped tight, Pete thinks over what Alicia is saying, but as relieved as he is that this isn’t a one-off, he’s still confused about some things. “So what, you want some kind of poly relationship? That’s a big jump considering we haven’t been back in contact that long.”

“It feels right,” Mikey says simply, and Pete’s reminded of all the times that Mikey trusted his instincts, jumping headfirst into situations that could have ended up in disaster but somehow worked out. “You belong with us.”

Alicia reaches out, touching Mikey’s knee and gives him a warning look. “But only if you want to, and as much as you want to. If you just wanted to come see us sometimes that’s okay too, we’re not looking at a sister wives thing here.”

“Okay, good.” Pete can admit that’s not something he wants right now, even the thought of an official full-time poly relationship making his heart pound in his chest. But something casual that still matters? That he can do, that is, once they’ve discussed one other thing. “About the sex, that is if you still want it. What I said before is true, for some things anyway. I haven’t been wearing a purity ring or anything, but I haven’t gone all of the way and I don’t want to yet. It’s not you, it’s....”

“Pete.” Mikey cuts through Pete’s babble, waiting a moment until Pete’s looking his way and then says, “It’s okay. It’s us. You do what you’re comfortable with and when we get close to your line you say stop, and we will.”

It’s something Pete needed to hear, and he loosens his grip on the cushion, letting it fall onto his lap. “Right. Good. Thank you. Because I still like other things, I’m not some prude spinster aunt.”

Mikey grins and winks at Pete. “We both know that you’re good at other things. At least, you used to be. That could have changed.”

“It hasn’t,” Pete immediately shoots back, enjoying the teasing even while thinking this can’t be so easy. There’s no way that Mikey and Alicia can be so blasé about something that’s been such a huge part of Pete’s life. After his confession Pete was expecting some in depth discussion about virginity and meaning, not this easy acceptance based on respecting Pete always. But somehow, it seems that it is this easy, and somehow, Pete knows this is right. Looking from Mikey to Alicia, Pete says, “Want me to prove it?”

Almost instantly, Mikey says, “Yes.”

“Not that he’s eager or anything.” Grinning, Alicia stands and offers her hands to Mikey and Pete. “Gentlemen. I think you need to escort me to the bedroom.”

Pete waits a beat, until Mikey holds out his hand, and only then does Pete do the same, holding onto Alicia’s hand as she helps pull them both to their feet. Expecting Alicia to let go, Pete’s pleased when she keeps holding on, her fingers curled around Pete’s as they head for the bedroom.

And once they’re in there, Pete clutches Alicia’s hand like a lifeline as he stares at the bed. Pete doesn’t know where to start. It’s like he’s been offered all he wants on a plate, Mikey and Alicia both there and waiting as Pete rubs at his face with his free hand and says, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had a threesome before.”

“We’ll wing it,” Mikey says, casual, as if attempting a threesome is something he does daily. “Or you can tell us what you want, like a blowjob.”

“Subtle, Mikey.” Alicia laughs and leans in toward Pete, as if sharing a confidence. “Was he as orally fixated when he was with you?”

“He did love to suck dick,” Pete says, swallowing hard as he remembers fast, messy blow jobs in the back of the busses and out of the way areas. The way Mikey would want to kiss after, his mouth still swollen and tasting of coffee and Pete’s come. Except, as much as Pete’s dick twitches as he thinks to back then, he realizes it’s not what he wants right now. Hesitantly, Pete says, “Can we start small? Like me watching you with Mikey?”

Alicia considers for all of a second and then says, “Like him eating me out?”

“Fuck yeah,” Mikey says, giving Pete a thumbs up, which in this situation is so ridiculous all Pete can do is laugh in response.

“That’s better.” Alicia brings Pete’s hand to her mouth, kissing his knuckles as they watch Mikey strip off his t-shirt and throw it onto the floor. It’s something that fascinates Pete as he takes in the ways that Mikey has changed. The way the lines of his body have become more defined and how confident he is as he’s moving, the slump of his shoulders still there, but counteracted by the way he’s obviously relaxed in his own skin. 

“He’s hot, yeah,” Alicia says, laughing when Mikey strikes a pose in response, all arced in lower back and sticking out ass. “But I think he needs to be cut off from ‘Top Model’.Give it up, baby. You’ll never get the booty tooch.”

“I need a booty pad,” Mikey says mock sadly, relaxing his pose as sits on the bed and toes off his sneakers, kicking them both to the side. “And for both of you to come over here.”

“We can do that.” Still holding onto Pete’s hand, Alicia tows him forward, approaching the bed. “You still want to watch?”

“Yeah,” Pete says, already missing the warmth of Alicia’s hand as she lets go and moves over to Mikey, standing so she’s between his spread legs. 

Instantly Mikey brings up his hands, cupping them on Alicia’s waist, and it’s so obvious they’ve done this before, fitting together perfectly as Mikey looks up and smiles. Something so tender that Pete feels like he’s intruding until Alicia looks over her shoulder and says, “You can join us on the bed if you want, or watch from there.”

Pete considers, but no matter how much he’s tempted to be within touching distance, all he wants to do right now is watch, and he’ll be able to see better from here. “I’ll stay here.”

“Okay.” At Pete’s words, Alicia turns back to Mikey, neither looking away from each other as Alicia pulls off her t-shirt, revealing the bra she’s wearing underneath. Which isn’t anything special at all, Pete’s seen plenty of porn and hung out with women who like flaunting their underwear and what Alicia’s wearing could be classed as practical at best -- but that doesn’t matter. Pete can’t look away as Mikey expertly unfastens the hooks of her bra, and gently pulls the straps from her shoulders.

And this is something Pete hasn’t seen for a very long time. Alicia’s ponytail dark and resting against the pale skin of her bare back as she stands still, letting Mikey hook his fingers under the waistband of her pants and ease them down until Alicia’s left standing in her black boxer cut panties.

“You’re beautiful,” Mikey says, so soft that Pete can barely hear what he’s saying, but he can see Mikey’s expression as he leans in and presses a kiss against Alicia’s stomach. “And need to be lying down.”

“Or you could.” In a swift, calculated movement, Alicia pushes forward, using her bodyweight to topple Mikey back as she kneels on the bed and straddles his chest. “You’re also overdressed.”

Mikey stretches out his arms, seemingly perfectly content as he raises an eyebrow and says, “You could fix that.”

For a long moment Alicia sits still, the twitch of her mouth the only movement, until, suddenly she bursts out laughing and crawls back a little. “You’re incorrigible, and lazy.”

To Pete, it’s like watching something just a beat off the usual, where sex is being led up to, but in a way Pete’s never seen. Not that he’s never laughed while getting a blow job or getting someone off. But that’s more to do with getting caught in the act, and not this, where there’s no intense focus on sex only, just Mikey and Alicia comfortable together as Alicia stands, and expertly pulls off Mikey’s pants and boxers in one quick tug.

“Better?” Mikey asks, and abruptly the mood in the room changes, intensifying in a way that makes Pete feel unsteady on his feet as he stares at Mikey and Alicia. How Alicia fumbles in her haste to pull down and step out of her panties and then get back onto the bed.

Lying down, she stretches out on her side, pressed against Mikey and her hand on his hip bone, and Pete knows it’s an image he’ll remember forever. How they’re lying so close, Mikey’s head turned so he can look at Alicia and neither provocatively touching. Not that they need to, every look and casual touch hints at more, the love that they hold for each other as Mikey runs his hand over Alicia’s arm, and then down, nails scraping over the swell of her breast and over her nipple, making it peak as Alicia gasps, her eyes fluttering closed.

It’s a reaction that hits Pete hard, and he doesn’t know how he’s going to get through this, when watching seems to affect him even more than actually doing. All he knows is it feels like he’s sharing every panted breath as Alicia keeps her eyes close as Mikey keeps moving his hand until it’s hidden from sight between her between her legs. 

Disappointed, Pete starts to move, needing to see, but already Alicia’s moving onto her back, her knees bent and legs falling open as Mikey pushes himself up on one elbow. It’s a position that allows Pete to see perfectly, and he’s glad of the wall for support as he watches Mikey gently stroke Alicia’s inner thighs, teasing touches that make her legs shake.

Pete takes it all in, the darkened, damp pubes and how Mikey keeps teasing by brushing his fingers along them, and then, as if on an inaudible signal, slides his fingers inside.

Alicia groans in response, and Pete does the same, so turned on that it’s physically painful. All he wants to do is push down his pants and jerk off, Match his strokes to Mikey’s who’s fucking Alicia with his fingers, pushing in careful but deep as she grabs hold of the sheets and holds on. Except, Pete doesn’t know the etiquette for this. Is it okay if he jerks off while watching two of his friends have sex? Except, while they are his friends, they’re also more now, which surely means jerking off is okay? 

Decision made, Pete scrabbles at his belt buckle, fingers made clumsy as Alicia moans again, back arching as she manages to say, “Mikey, your mouth.”

Mikey doesn’t respond verbally, but he does do is slowly pull back his hand, his attention going from Alicia to Pete, Mikey staring directly at him as he sucks his fingers into his mouth. 

“Fuck,” Pete says, because this is Mikey playing unfair, deliberately teasing, and if Pete doesn’t touch himself soon he’s going to come in his pants like some kind of teen. Not that Mikey cares, still looking at Pete, Mikey drags his fingers from his mouth, his gaze dropping when Pete finally unbuckles his belt and shoves down his underwear and pants.

His eyes dark and cheeks flushed, Mikey allows himself a long look, then rolls, body slightly to one side as he positions himself between Alicia’s legs, and immediately starts eating her out. It’s a move that Pete can’t see, but that’s okay, Pete can see Alicia’s reaction, how her hands tighten even further and her body bucks, and Pete can understand why. It’s all too easy to remember Mikey’s mouth, how much he enjoyed giving head, and Pete licks at his palm and takes a deep breath, trying for control before he touches his dick.

Not that it’s easy to gain that control, it can’t be when Pete can hear the wet sounds of Mikey’s mouth alongside each responding groan and gasp from Alicia, her head thrown back and gasping for breath. How he can see how Alicia’s legs are trembling and the slightest glimpse of Mikey’s dick, hard and pressed against the cover.

Pete wants to touch and taste, but all does is match his rhythm to Mikey’s, responding along with Alicia as she moans, her whole body tensing as Mikey keeps moving, the shift of his body showing he’s still using his tongue as she stiffens and yells.

And Pete’s close, so close, just one stroke away, but he stops when Mikey kneels, says something to Alicia that Pete can’t catch, and then gets off of the bed.

Confused, Pete looks at Alicia, who’s looking right back, hair in a mess and cheeks flushed. Unsure, Pete wonders if they expect him to get onto the bed, but Alicia’s not moving, just watching as Mikey steps close, and, without a word, kisses Pete.

It’s a kiss that’s familiar and yet not. But Pete doesn’t care about analyzing details; all he does is press close to Mikey, tasting Alicia as Mikey deepens the kiss and positions his body so his dick is rubbing against Pete’s. It’s almost too much, Pete caught in sensation and memories and the feel of Mikey’s hand as he wraps it around Pete’s, and starts jerking them both off. Awkwardly at first, but then smoother, and Pete’s lost, spilling over both of their hands as Mikey keeps kissing, and within seconds, follow.

\----o0o-----

“You know that this is weird,” Patrick says, tracking Pete’s movements as he wanders the kitchen gathering ingredients. “You’re cooking, and humming.”

“I am,” Pete agrees, adding an onion to the pile of produce that he’s made on the counter. “I like cooking, it’s fun.”

Patrick rests his elbows on the edge of the breakfast bar, watching as Pete picks up a chopping board and a knife. “You like ordering in food. And since when did you have actual cooking equipment?”

“Since Alicia told me I couldn’t live on takeout alone,” and okay, since Alicia gave Pete a basics cooking lesson, that included her draped against his back while demonstrating the right way to chop an onion. Not that Pete’s about to say that, or that Mikey watched all the time, his mouth curled up into a small smile, as if he was watching something precious and not just Alicia teaching Pete how to cook. 

“That’s weird too,” Patrick says, and Pete waits for him to say more, knowing that Patrick’s been leading up to something all day. “This whole relationship with Mikey and Alicia.”

“They make me happy,” Pete says simply, and sure, it’s not something he expected either, but the fact is, it’s working. Pete’s never felt so settled, even if he does see Mikey and Alicia less than he’d like. 

Patrick waves his hand in the arm, like he’s trying to convey something via jazz hands alone. “Not weird in a bad way. Just weird, weird. Like, you’re in a long distance poly relationship with a guy and a girl. The fuck?”

Remembering Alicia’s advice -- and the way she felt pressed against his back, the way her laughter brushed warm air against the side of his neck -- Pete chops through the onion, leaving on the root as he peels. “I know, but it’s good. We’re good.”

“You’re sure?” And this is why Pete loves Patrick so much, that he’s willing to bypass the bullshit and ask the questions that he thinks need answers.

“I’m sure.” That’s something Pete can say for certain. His relationship may be unconventional, but it’s one that’s working for him. Sure, in terms of balance he’s the one losing out, but it has to be that way, when Alicia and Mikey are already living together. Plus, it’s not like they ever make him feel that way, two easily easing into three when they’re together. By now Pete’s got his own drawers for his clothes and space on the shelves for his favorite movies and books, and he loves that, as he settles into what’s become his new second home. 

“You seem happier.” Patrick links his fingers together, resting his chin on his joined hands as he stares at Pete. “Hell, you are happier.”

“My therapist says it’s a good sign, that I’m starting to trust beyond the people I call significant friends,” Pete says, and as much as he thinks she may have a point, there’s also the thing that Pete suspects that this new trust is aimed toward two people only, and not the world at large. “I didn’t tell her that trust came along with sharing a bed.”

“About that....” Patrick trails off and take off his glasses, rubbing them on the front of his shirt. “Are you? You know?”

“Had my long held cherry popped by Mikey or Alicia?” Pete asks, and can’t resist teasing a little, nonchalantly chopping a tomato as he adds, “Nope. Alicia did offer to use her strap-on and smallest dildo, but I told her I was happy watching her do Mikey.”

Patrick gives Pete a long look. “I’ve been your friend for a long time now. You can’t embarrass me with sex stories anymore.”

“So you want to hear about how Alicia’s harness is black leather, and how it’s so worn it feels soft? Or how it fits so perfectly around her hips and how she struts when she’s wearing it.” Pete looks up from his chopping, and while it’s gratifying to see Patrick’s cheeks are flushed red, Pete’s also  managed to turn himself on, which is annoying and frustrating when he’s here making dinner. “Can you finish chopping these? I need to go to the bathroom.”

Patrick makes no attempt to move. “You want me to finish your prep so you can go and jerk off after imagining your girlfriend fuck your boyfriend with a strap on? Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” Pete says, and goes back to careful chopping. “But if I get distracted and chop off my dick it’s on your head. You can deal with the reporters who want details about ‘Fall Out Boy front man in dick decapitation incident’.”

“I don’t actually think it can be decapitation if it’s your dick,” Patrick says, and leans forward, grabbing a slice of tomato. “Then again. It could be said you think with that head at times.”

“It could be said that I hate you,” Pete says, pushing another slice toward Patrick with the point of his knife. “You’re the worst ever.”

“I know,” Patrick says, and grins as he takes the tomato slice, and eats it with one bite.

\---o0o--

_Being in a relationship with Pete can be hard, that’s something he’s known for a while._

_He’s difficult to live with and has issues that can rear up at any time and down him for days.  Then there’s the attention, Pete may not be globally famous, but he is a known name in some parts. The parts where he can’t go out for a coffee without getting attention, from the fans or sometimes the paps._

_Not that Pete cares, at least mostly. He chose this life and that means taking the bad along with the good. But others haven’t, and Pete’s got used to people walking away._

_They can’t stand the public scrutiny, or sometimes, Pete himself._

_It’s just something that happens, and something Pete’s become used to._

_Even so, sometimes it still breaks his heart_

\---o0o--

A few weeks of missing Mikey when he goes off on tour, and Pete eagerly says yes when Alicia suggests that they join him. Not for the whole thing, both Alicia and Pete have their own lives, but a few overnight visits, that’s exactly what Pete needs.

And sure, at first it’s weird to feel like he’s one of the band significant others, hanging with Jamia, Christa and Alicia backstage, but soon Pete gets used to the circus that’s My Chemical Romance on tour. In lots of ways it feels like his own tours, the same platters of food in the green rooms, the same crates of equipment, and the same boredom that comes along with hanging for hours while the band soundcheck and do press.

Pete’s become an expert at avoiding the fans that stalk outside of the venues, but in return for hiding away, he gets to spend plenty of time with Alicia, and also get to know Mikey’s band.

Not that he didn’t know them before. It’s just, back then it was on a surface level, there due to Mikey only, while now, Pete’s also there as their friend.  He enjoys talking books with Frank and dogs with Bob and plotting costumed shenanigans with James. On one memorable occasion Ray even asked advice on a bridge he was composing, a moment when Pete finally knew he was in and accepted completely.

At least, by most. As happy as he is to talk and hang out, sometimes Gerard still looks at Pete like he suspects something is going to go wrong. It’s nothing overt, and Pete can justify the looks away by reminding himself of how Gerard is protective of Mikey. Still, it seems unfair that he seemingly holds onto reservations, because things between Mikey, Alicia and Pete are going great.

Until they’re not going great at all.

It’s nothing panic worthy at first. A few mornings when Pete wakes feeling exhausted and down. But that’s something he expects and part of his life. Normally the dark days pass, especially when Pete’s spending time with Mikey and Alicia. They’re not magic, Pete knows his mental issues are still there when he’s with them, just he’s more easily able to deal. It helps that Mikey gets it, and Alicia always does her best to understand, but the worse Pete feels, the more he keeps quiet.

It’s stupid. He knows he should phone Patrick or Gabe or even his therapist. He should open his mouth and say, ‘I’m not okay right now’ but Pete doesn’t. He keeps smiling and keeps lying and keeping going to visit Mikey, using the chaos of tour to hide how he’s feeling. 

Like now, when Pete’s been ushered into the hotel via that back entrance and stands hidden behind a row of potted plants, always aware of the fans who’re clustered outside the main foyer. 

“Room seventy two, floor five.” Rob, the guy from security who’s been left in charge of Pete, hands over a keycard and starts walking. “I’ll take you up.”

“I can find the way myself,” Pete says, and he can, he’s not stupid, but Rob shakes his head, pressing the button to call the elevator. 

“Sorry, they told me to make sure you got to the room.”

It’s all that he says, and while Pete knows the reasons why he does need an escort, it’s still frustrating, especially now when all he wants is some privacy and to be with Alicia and Mikey. Or truthfully, get into bed with them and hide under his blankets until he feels better, but he can’t do that. When he’s rearranged his schedule so he can come visit Mikey, it makes no sense to hide, so Pete’s powered through. Holding on as best as he can through the relentless socializing and having to accept the fact that no matter how strong they are as a threesome, in terms of the world at large, only Alicia matters to Mikey.

It’s something Pete’s been picking at recently. Which is insane, because it’s not something that’s going to change. They’re not about to come out as poly, and Pete doesn’t even know if he’d want that, but what he does want is to matter, and the more he thinks and unravels past events, the worse Pete feels.

All he can think is he’s the third wheel, someone who’s not needed and easily discarded, and it’s not true, logically Pete knows that, but it’s an idea that clings on. With even the thought of losing Mikey and Alicia making Pete feel shaky, he knows he’s got to act, do something that’ll show them how much that they matter -- and that means one thing. 

Decision made, Pete stands in the corner of the elevator, chewing on his thumb nail and ignoring Rob for the few minutes it takes to get to the right floor and then, room. 

Once there, Pete fumbles with the keycard, missing the slot the first time as he manages a quick, ‘thanks’ to Rob, who stands watching until finally, Pete steps inside of the room.

“Pete.” The first thing Pete sees is Alicia, grinning wide when she looks up and sees Pete. Since the last time Pete saw her back at the venue she’s changed clothes, pulling on the old hoodie she likes to wear before bed and a pair of grey sweats. “Mikey’s getting showered, I told him he was banned from the bed if he didn’t.”

“Devious, I like it,” Pete says, trying for the usual level of casual even when, inside, he’s falling apart. “Bags the middle.”

“It’s yours,” Alicia says, and Pete would think he’s successfully hidden how he’s feeling, except Alicia’s still looking his way, her smile fading as she adds. “What’s wrong?”

Pete shakes his head, and tells himself to walk away from the door, that standing here is broadcasting that something really is wrong. 

“Bullshit.” Alicia stands, and takes an aborted step forward. “Do you need some alone time, or some hugs? There’s plenty of blankets, we can make another fort?”

It’s a tempting idea, but as much as Pete wants to say yes, he knows it won’t help. Nauseous, it feels like Pete’s heart is about to burst out of his chest, and he tells himself this is Mikey and Alicia. Giving over this last part of himself is a good thing, that still holding onto such a thin line is stupid when Pete’s got two people who he knows loves him completely, and won’t deliberately hurt Pete ever.

“I just, I need.” Pete’s got no idea how to say what he needs, but what he does know is he needs to act now, before it’s too late. Courage gathered, Pete pushes himself off of the door and hurries forward, pulling open the door to the bathroom, sure that Alicia will follow. She does, and Pete stands in the small, steamy space and says, “I need to be fucked, now.”

These last few days it’s something Pete’s thought about often. That losing his virginity will be easiest with Mikey, Pete able to stay passive until finally, that last line is broken. Pete just needs to get to that point, and he toes off his sneakers, pulls back the shower curtain and steps into the tub.

His eyes widening, Mikey backs up as best as he can, and Pete would take a moment to admire how he looks at this moment, water in rivulet’s on Mikey’s body and hair slicked back, exposing the stark lines of his face -- but it’s taking Pete all his time just to remember to breathe.

His hands shaking, Pete tries to unfasten his belt, and fails, only stopping when Mikey grabs hold of Pete’s hand, holding it still and says, “Pete?”

“I need you to fuck me,” Pete says again, trying to push Mikey’s hand out of the way. “You have to. I need to show you how much I love you. Both of you.”

Mikey tightens his hold, says, “We already know. You don’t need to show us, especially like that.”

“Yes I do.” Pete stands still, uncomfortable in his sodden clothes and tries to keep hold of the last vestiges of control as he repeats, “I need to show you.”

“You already have, ages ago.” Pete blinks water from out of his eyes, looking away from Mikey to Alicia, who’s standing at the side of the tub, holding out a large towel. Wrapping it around Pete’s shoulders she says, “You don’t have to prove anything, especially with sex.”

“What if I want to?” Pete asks, trying for calm.

“Then we wait, and we talk, and we’ll take it from there,” Mikey says. Letting go of Pete’s hand he pulls him into a hug, clinging on and seemingly uncaring that he’s naked and hugging a still fully dressed Pete. “Not tonight, though.”

For the first time in days, Pete starts to relax, leaning heavily against Mikey. “I don’t want to talk tonight.”

Mikey kisses the top of Pete’s head, says, “You don’t have to, as long as you promise you will soon. If not with us, with someone.”

A pause, and Pete nods, stands frozen in place as Alicia touches his arm and says, “I’ll go get the blankets.”

“We’ll be out soon,” Mikey says, and holds on.

_______

 

Secure and warm between Mikey and Alicia, Pete wakes late, pleased they don’t have to check out until just after midday. It means Pete can get more sleep, or lie still, soaking in the feeling of being held so close, or what he should do, open his mouth and try to explain what went on the previous night.

Both Mikey and Alicia are awake, Pete can sense that, but neither are moving, seemingly content to just curl around Pete, their hands touching over his stomach. Which means it’s the perfect time to talk, when it’s quiet and calm, and while Pete’s mind isn’t scurrying and seeing things that aren’t true. First though, Pete needs to explain how he’s feeling, and that’s one of the scariest things he’s done in his life as he says, “About last night. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be,” Alicia says, and presses a kiss against Pete’s bare shoulder. “But if you want to talk, we’ll listen. If you don’t. That’s okay too, as long as you remember your promise.”

“I do,” Pete says, and more than anything he’s tempted to fall back on that promise and call his therapist at some later point. If he does that it means he can spend the morning in bed relaxing, but the problem is, Pete knows himself, and if he waits the doubts will push their way back, that’s just how it works. “But I think I need to talk now.”

“We’re listening.” His voice still sleep rough, Mikey leans in so he can kiss Pete’s cheek, then falls back, giving Pete the space that he needs.

“I don’t know where to start,” Pete admits, and more than anything he’s glad neither Mikey or Alicia are looking directly at him, meaning Pete can lie and look at the ceiling as he tries to sort out his thoughts. “You know about the virginity thing, what I’ve done and haven't.”

“Yeah,” Alicia says, and Pete remembers back to that first awkward conversation, when he explained about his lines and why they were there.

“I got scared. You two are out in public together and I’m not,” Pete says, taking a deep breath as he adds, “I feel like a spare wheel sometimes, one that’s going to be shoved to the side.”

Instantly, Mikey says, “That’s not true. We’d never do that, we love you.”

“If we could we’d tell the world,” Alicia says, and then, “All the people that matter know, they know that you’re ours.”

“I know that,” and Pete does. He knows that Alicia and Mikey love him, but he’s not an equal third in the relationship, there’s no way he can be. “But I want to go out in public with you both. to share pictures of us together that aren’t under layers of security. And I know that we can’t, so I decided to give you something that showed how much I love you back.”

“You know that doesn’t make sense,” Alicia says gently, being as careful as she is always when dealing with Pete’s issues. “We want that too, but if we can’t that doesn’t mean you have to prove something by having full sex. The two things don’t fit together.”

“They do if I’m making a gesture,” and sure, maybe the gesture was over the top and angsty in a way Pete will laugh about some time in the future, but not now. “Last night wasn’t the way to go about it, but I do want it. To have full sex with you both.”

“I don’t know, crashing my shower and demanding I fuck you got your point across well,” Mikey says, and then rolls toward Pete so their bodies are pressed together. “But you don’t have to do that, what we do anyway is super hot.”

“It is,” Alicia agrees, and then, “It’s your choice, we’re happy to go as we are.”

Pete thinks for a long time, and while the anxiety remains, he thinks that despite the insanity of the previous days and Pete reacting blindly and needing to prove a point, it really is time. He loves Mikey and Alicia, and more than that, he trusts them completely, enough that he can consider taking this last step and giving himself over completely, both physically and emotionally. “I want it.”

“Then you’ll get it,” Alicia says, and moves too, so Pete’s blanketed on both sides by people he loves. “But not now. We’re going to do it right.”

Relieved, but also a little disappointed that they can’t just get it over with already, Pete simply says, “I can wait.”

\---o0o--

_The problem with waiting is, it’s all Pete can think of._

_It feels like he’s thirteen again with a permanent boner, but one that quickly deflates when Pete thinks too hard about what’s going to happen._

_Pete’s excited, and nervous and turned on. He’s spent hours talking and researching online, reading countless stories about what’s going to happen._

_Which isn’t needed. Pete may technically be a virgin, but he’s no innocent, hasn’t been for a long time. But that doesn’t stop the worries, or the late night phone calls to Patrick._

_Or at least, what were the late night calls, it seems even Patrick has a limit, and a four am call about anal sex pushed past that._

_Go figure._

 

\---o0o--

 

It feels like it takes forever to drive from the airport to the hotel, and as soon as the town car pulls to a stop, Pete grabs his backpack and throws open the door, stumbling in his haste to get out. It's been too long since he’s seen Mikey and Alicia, Pete’s schedule and My Chem’s continuing tour keeping them apart. By this point Pete’s aching for physical closeness, phone calls and texts no substitute for being together.

Already, Pete’s got their room number, and, after paying the driver, he all but runs inside the hotel, and then stops, when Gerard appears.

Dressed in what Pete assumes, is supposed to be some kind of disguise, Gerard’s wearing what looks like one of Mikey’s old beanies, his eyes hidden behind huge sunglasses that conceal half of his face. Combined with his old, comfortable, hidden from the public, chill out clothes, he looks nothing like Gerard Way, frontman of My Chemical Romance.  How he does look is serious, especially when he grabs hold of Pete’s arm and pulls him toward one of the sofas at the side of the lobby.

“Gerard, hi,” Pete says, hanging onto social niceties, even when all he wants to do is pull away from Gerard and go to see Mikey and Alicia. “You’re looking good.”

“I feel like shit,” Gerard says, sitting with a soft sigh. “This fucking tour, it’s brutal.”

Pete gets it, and can sympathize how Gerard is feeling, enough that he dampens down his desire to just get up and go, and says, “Tours, they always kill you bit by bit.”

Gerard rubs under his sunglasses, lifting them just enough Pete can see the shadows under his eyes “I feel like I haven’t slept in a month.”

“So you decided to hang in the lobby”? Pete can get that too, it’s something he’s done often himself, when sleep was elusive and he needed human interaction for distraction, even if was just the canned conversation of the staff behind a desk. 

“What? No.” Gerard takes off his sunglasses, pushing them to the top of his head. “I was waiting for you.”

It’s not what Pete expected to hear, and he reminds himself he’s been texting with Mikey and Alicia only minutes before, and that both are just fine. Even so, Pete has to ask, “Is there something wrong? I was just texting but....”

“No. God no. They’re fine,” Gerard says, touching Pete’s arm as he adds, “I didn’t mean to freak you out. It’s just. Remember that summer? When I told you that I wasn’t going to punch you but you had to tell me if you were leaving.”

“I remember,” hell, there’s no way Pete’s ever going to forget. Even so, he has to point out, “You’ve got some kind of freaky elephant memory. That was forever ago.”

Gerard shrugs, still looking directly at Pete. “I remember stuff that affects Mikey, and that did.”

“Are you going to punch me now?” As unlikely as it seems, Pete still has to ask, even if it seems unfair that Gerard’s brought this up now, when Mikey seems perfectly happy with Alicia and Pete. “Because if you are, you need to get it over with, I’m already late.”

For a long moment, Gerard says nothing, just stares at Pete. “You’d let me punch you? Why?”

Pete bites back his initial reaction of a glib answer, sensing this is something Gerard really does want to know. “Because I hurt Mikey back then, I figure you’d hold a grudge.”

“I did for a while,” Gerard says, and then, “I’m not going to punch you. I wanted to say, welcome to the family.”

It’s a welcome that comes along with a hug, Pete’s face pressed against Gerard’s neck and barely able to breathe until Gerard lets go a little and Pete can ask, “Why now? I’ve been dating Mikey and Alicia for months.”

“I had to know you were serious.” A last squeeze, and Gerard lets go completely, his mouth curled up into a small smile as he says, “And that you make Mikey happy.”

Pete wants to say that he does always, but that would be a lie, when sometimes, as hard as he tries, keeping himself on an even keel is the best he can do. Still, Pete does try, and more than that, loves Mikey completely. “I love him. I love both of them.”

“I know.” Gerard stands and waits for Pete to do the same so he can hand him a keycard. “They’re waiting for you, and I’m going to go look for some coffee.” A wide grin, and Gerard starts to walk away, and then stops, looking back toward Pete. “If Mikey ever shows you some of my old comics, the resemblance to you of one of the zombie getting ripped to pieces by a pack of wolves in purely a coincidence.”

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Pete says, and can’t stop his own grin, now that, finally, Gerard’s on his side -- approval that Pete never needed, but wanted all of the same.

~~~~

Pete’s been inside of the hotel room for all of a second when he’s engulfed in a tight, double hug. Laughing, he manages to shut the door with his foot and then gives himself up to the feeling of having Mikey and Alicia so close. 

“You were supposed to have been here ages ago,” Mikey says, snatching a kiss. “I was starting to think I’d need to come down and save you from Gerard.”

“Did you set him on me?” Pete asks lightly, even though, deep down he can’t help wondering if Mikey made Gerard say what he did.

Alicia laughs, curling her hand around Pete’s arm as she leads them all as a group, further into the room. “Last time Mikey was talking to Gerard they were discussing seduction. You’re lucky you didn’t walk into a scene that involved a bikini and chains.”

“That scene’s a classic,” Pete says, and then, Alicia’s words sink in completely. “They were talking about seduction?”

“We were going to seduce you, me and Alicia, not me and Gerard,” Mikey says casually as he sits on the side of the bed. “But everything seemed too forced. Like we were broadcasting, hey, we want to have sex with you now. But just so you know, I pushed for the rose petals and flowers.”

“And the bikini and chains,” Alicia puts in. Still standing, she rests her hands on Pete’s hips and says, “You look good.”

“I feel good,” and Pete does. It’s like lately everything in his life has been slotting back into place. Not perfect, not by a long shot, but Pete’s got his good friends and his band and now he’s got Mikey and Alicia too. Which includes one more thing. “You talked about seduction...”

“We did.” Mikey reaches out, and places his hand on Alicia’s, so they’re both touching Pete. “But first, are you sure you still want this?”

A few weeks ago Pete wouldn’t have been sure, but after countless nights thinking about exactly what he does want, and why, Pete’s sure of one thing. It’s time. “I’m sure, but I don’t know how. With you, or with Alicia, or both. But that feels like some porno scenario, the blushing virgin being debauched and going from being pure to three-way sex in seconds.”

Mikey holds up his free hand and counts on his fingers. “One. Anyone who sucks dick like you do can’t be labeled as pure. Two, what kind of pornos have you been watching? Three, no planning, it’s better that way. Four, sex is awesome, and it always has been awesome with you, whatever we did.”

“I agree,” Alicia says. “We’ll just wing it. Like we always do.”

That’s fine by Pete, who’s spent most of his life trusting his instincts and winging it. It’s how he’s arrived at this place, in a relationship that had the potential for disaster, but instead has flourished. It’s something Pete could never have expected, and even now he sometimes wonders how it actually happened, but all that matter is, somehow it did.

“Finished thinking?” Alicia asks, and Pete blinks, brought back into the moment, and the fact that he has Mikey and Alicia right there. “Because if you are, we can get on with the debauching.”

Pete would ask if he’s being laughed at, but he knows that he is, in a gentle way that makes him feel relaxed as he pulls off his hoodie and t-shirt, stretches out his arms to the side and says, “Do your worst.”

Instantly the atmosphere in the room changes, going from light-hearted to intense so fast Pete feels dizzy, his breath catching in his throat as both Mikey and Alicia unashamedly stare. It’s disconcerting in a way that Pete never expects, always used to being the focus of attention, but not like this, when Mikey and Alicia want Pete for himself, and not for his words, image or fame.

“You need to go kiss Mikey.” Alicia urges Pete toward the bed, and he goes easily, sitting at an angle so Alicia can get a good view.  It’s something they’ve done often, Alicia calling the shots as she enjoys watching them together, but any plans to give a performance are swept away when Mikey moves in for a kiss.

At first it’s a kiss that’s gentle, but Pete’s been away too long to keep it that way. He’s missed Mikey, the sounds he makes as Pete deepens the kiss, the feel of his skin as Pete pushes his hand under Mikey’s t-shirt and holds on.

His eyes closed, Pete jumps when he feels someone touch his chest, but soon recognizes the feel of Alicia’s nails as she draws them down over his stomach, and then stops at Pete’s belt.

“Push up,” Alicia says, and Pete feels the buckle of his belt swing down as he pushes up, balancing on one hand as Alicia tugs at Pete’s pants, pulling them so they’re crumpled at his feet.

It’s a move that leaves Pete’s feet trapped, and he’s about to try and kick off his shoes when Alicia kneels on his pants, stopping Pete from moving. At first, Pete thinks it’s a mistake, and he’s about to break off the kiss to talk when he feels Alicia’s hands on his thighs, and Pete realizes exactly what she’s about to do.

Pete pulls back, enough he can say, “I can’t. If you do that I won’t last.”

“She knows what she’s doing,” Mikey says, nipping Pete’s lip with his teeth. “Just go with it remember?”

And Pete would remember, except all coherent thoughts are drawn from his head when he feels Alicia’s mouth on his dick. A teasing touch at first as she licks over the head, and then, without any warning, she swallows Pete down. It’s a move that’s guaranteed to drive Pete insane, gasping, he wants to thrust, fuck her face in the way that she loves, but between Mikey and Alicia, Pete’s unable to move, and all Pete can do is grasp the covers and take it.

“He’s had enough.”

Vaguely, Pete’s aware of Mikey speaking, and would protest Alicia pulling off already, except she’s kneeling up to kiss Mikey, and the thought of Mikey tasting Pete in her mouth is something Pete loves. The same way he loves watching, taking in how Alicia’s mouth is wet, a strand of dark hair clinging to her face, how Mikey clutches at her back, as if he needs to touch her always.

Pete adds those details to the ones he already carries, the memories he relies on when he’s alone again. They’re memories that make Pete feel happy, and also turned on even more, enough that, despite himself, he curls his fingers around his dick and starts to jerk off.

“Yeah, not tonight.” It’s Alicia who notices first, and she takes hold of Pete’s hand, stopping him moving. "It's our turn to make you feel good."

It's a plan Pete approves of, except for one thing. Right now he's so turned on it feels like he's on the verge of exploding. Every touch pushing him close to the edge, before he's abruptly pulled back once again. It's frustrating in the best kind of way and Pete would ask them to take mercy, but knows if he does there's every chance they'll go slower, and right now Pete's unsure if he'd survive that.

"I can't, please." Still, Pete has to say something, even if it does result in Alicia looking at Mikey, as if they're non-verbally discussing some plan.

"It's okay, we've got you," Mikey says softly. Gripping the hem of his t-shirt, he pulls it over his head and throws it off to one side, and then stands, pushing off his pants and underwear in one go. Instantly, Pete wants to touch, to map Mikey's skin with his hands and his mouth, but they're not playing fair, Pete's attention stolen by Alicia who's also stripping off, her clothes dropped on the floor.

Pete swallows, his heart speeding even faster as his focus draws in, until all that matters is the people in front of him. Pete wants to nuzzle Alicia's stomach, to bite along Mikey's collar bone, to have both of them so close it feels like they're one person. He wants so much that it's impossible to ask for, the words dried in Pete's throat

"I want to ride you," Alicia says, her simple statement hitting as hard as any touch.

All Pete can do is nod, blood thundering in his ears and any bad memories washed away by a moment that feels right, that Pete losing his virginity isn't Pete giving away part of himself, but taking on a part of someone else, someone Pete loves completely.

"Awesome," Mikey says, obviously liking the idea as he opens a drawer next to the bed and takes out a condom. "Lie back."

Pete does, awkwardly wiggling back so he's flat on the bed, his legs together as he looks along the length of his body toward Alicia, who right now looks so beautiful Pete can't look away.  Her eyes sparkling and hair in a messy ponytail, Alicia's comfortable in her own skin,  making no attempt to hide the curves of her body as she kneels on the bed.

"You're beautiful," Mikey says, and at first Pete thinks he means Alicia only, but when Pete finally looks, he sees Mikey is looking from Alicia to Pete, including them both in his comment. "I'm so fucking lucky."

Alicia knee walks up Pete's body, stopping just over his knees so she can reach out for Mikey, trailing her fingers over his arm. "We all are."

That Pete can agree with, and would verbalize that expect Mikey's knelt on the bed, and is leaning forward to put on the condom on Pete, but not before sneaking a taste, licking across the head of Pete's dick. Involuntary, Pete yelps, hips rising off the bed as Mikey grins, unrepentant as he carefully rolls on the condom. As sensations go it's one that Pete's had before, always using protection when getting a blowjob from strangers, but this is something else, the tight feeling enhanced by the knowledge of what's coming, and Pete knows he won't last.

"I'm going to come in seconds," Pete warns, but all Alicia does is smile as she kneels up.

"Doesn't matter." Alicia moves once again, positioning herself so her inner thighs are pressed against Pete's, the tip of his dick nestled just inside of her body. Breathing hard, Pete tells himself he can last more than a moment, that he's waited for so long for this that surely it has to take more than one thrust.

"Pete," Mikey says, and lies next to Pete. "Stop thinking, we've got all night and the rest of our lives. This first time means nothing."

"He's right," Alicia says, unmoving as she adds. "We love you and we've got all the time in the world."

Pete knows that they're right, except for one thing. This first time means everything, and he would say that, except, in a double hit that has to be deliberate, Alicia sinks down, Pete's dick deep inside of her, warm and squeezed tight as Mikey says, "And next time, you get to fuck me."

"Bastards," Pete grits out, desperately hanging on as Alicia pulls back, her hips moving as she thrusts, the sensation overwhelming as Pete gives in, letting himself fall over the edge, breathing in panted gasps as Alicia keeps moving, guiding Mikey's hand so he can finger her at the same time. And it's this moment, when they're all connected so intimately,  Alicia's head back as she rocks against Mikey and Pete, and then moans, tightening even further around Pete, that he knows that he's done the right thing.

Not because of the sex, which yeah, is fantastic, but the fact that finally, Pete's found the people who love him unconditionally and want him around always.

That finally, Pete's found his home.


End file.
